1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,880 In this episode of the Fixing Separation Anxiety podcast, we're going to get really real, 2 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:13,760 we're going to get gritty and we're going to get raw. Why? Because we're talking about 3 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:23,200 what you do when you feel like quitting, when you feel like you cannot do any more of this 4 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:30,080 training without seeing results. The thing is, you will feel like this at some point in your 5 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:36,240 training, you will feel like you just want to give up. And so if you don't feel like that yet, 6 00:00:37,279 --> 00:00:43,680 just know that you will. And when you do, make sure you file back to this podcast because 7 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:51,680 I'm going to be talking to you about five tips to help you when you feel like you've just had enough. 8 00:00:54,160 --> 00:01:01,680 Hello and welcome to the Be Right Back Separation Anxiety podcast. Hi, I'm Julie Naismith, 9 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:08,160 dog trainer, author and full-on separation anxiety geek. I've helped thousands of dogs overcome 10 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:13,440 separation anxiety with my books, my online programs, my trainer certification and my 11 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:19,760 Separation Anxiety Training app. And this podcast is all about sharing my tips and tricks to help 12 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:28,000 you teach your dog how to be happy at home alone too. Okay, so whether this has happened to you yet 13 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:34,160 or whether it's about to happen to you or happen to you in the future, just know that nearly 14 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:42,000 everyone, no, everyone who goes through Separation Anxiety Training will at some point feel like they 15 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:48,559 just want to give up. They've had enough. It's frustrating. It's taking too much time. 16 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:54,879 It feels like there's no progress and you've just reached the point at which you say, 17 00:01:54,879 --> 00:02:00,959 I cannot do this anymore. I've had enough. So it might not have happened to you yet, 18 00:02:00,959 --> 00:02:04,720 in which case, listen to this episode and just file away the tips I give you. 19 00:02:05,519 --> 00:02:09,839 But if this is you right now or if you've been through this before, 20 00:02:10,559 --> 00:02:17,520 listen to these tips and see if they can help you either right now or the next time that it happens. 21 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:23,520 Because as I said, every single person who goes through Separation Anxiety Training 22 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:32,240 will at some point feel like they have had it up to here. Okay, so my five tips. Tip number one, 23 00:02:33,039 --> 00:02:41,600 just take a break. Stop trying to get you and your dog through training exercises that aren't 24 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:50,720 working, exercises that are making you frustrated or angry or sad or desperate. Just take a break. 25 00:02:51,679 --> 00:02:56,000 It's okay to just say, you know, I just can't deal with this now. 26 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:04,160 If your dog is having absences that are being managed, it's fine. Just take a break from the 27 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:10,399 training. Your dog is going to be okay. Yeah, okay. So it might feel like that puts the attainment of 28 00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:18,080 your goal of being able to leave your dog further off. But actually, that might not be the case. 29 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:24,320 Taking a break might actually improve your chances of progressing again. So take a break for your 30 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:30,880 sake. Take a break for your dog's sake. And what does that look like? It could be two days off. It 31 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:37,360 could be a day off. It could be a week off. I wouldn't take too long off. The reason being that 32 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:41,199 dogs are learning when they go through Separation Anxiety Training. So we don't want them to 33 00:03:41,199 --> 00:03:47,440 entirely forget. But when I say take a break, I mean, take a break. I mean, go away, do something 34 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:54,479 lovely, forget about Separation Anxiety Training, and then only come back to it when you are feeling 35 00:03:54,479 --> 00:04:01,279 ready. So you have my permission to take a break from training. It'll be good for you and it will be 36 00:04:01,279 --> 00:04:08,880 good for your dog. My tip number two, and I want you to say this out loud. Now, you don't have to 37 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:13,199 say it in front of your friends, but I want you to say this phrase out loud. You can say it out loud 38 00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:21,040 sitting quietly somewhere in your house where nobody can hear you. This is normal. It's normal 39 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:31,679 to feel like this. It's normal to feel like this. You will inevitably have points during Separation 40 00:04:31,679 --> 00:04:38,640 Anxiety Training where you do feel like you cannot do this anymore. You don't care if it feels like 41 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:44,000 the only chance your dog's got of getting over Separation Anxiety. It is unbearable. It's time 42 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:50,079 consuming and it's dull and it's frustrating and it's heartbreaking. And you will get to a point 43 00:04:50,079 --> 00:04:58,320 where all of those emotions take over and you no longer feel hopeful. You no longer see all of the 44 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:05,519 good days your dog's had. You only see the bad days and you want to give up. So when that hits you, 45 00:05:06,399 --> 00:05:13,440 I want you to say out loud, it's normal to feel like this. And if you want, you can add. Julie 46 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:20,559 says it's normal to feel like this because I want to remind you that it is okay that you are not the 47 00:05:20,559 --> 00:05:29,279 first person to feel like this. And every owner whose dog can now be left has felt like you feel 48 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:34,480 right now. If you feel like quitting, if you feel like you've had it up to here, you need to know 49 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:41,920 that every owner who's got their dog to a stage where their dog can happily be left, they have 50 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:49,440 felt what you feel now. So my tip number two, when it hits you, when you feel like you've had enough, 51 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:57,040 be kind to yourself and say it's normal to feel this way. Then tip number three, 52 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:03,440 find people who are going through the same thing as you and hang out with them. 53 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:11,519 If you feel like giving up on training, you probably don't want to tell every single doubter 54 00:06:11,519 --> 00:06:17,440 who told you it was a mistake in the first place, because they will be delighted. They'll be loving 55 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:22,480 the fact that you might want to quit. Okay, not everybody, that's me. Some people will feel sad 56 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:27,679 for you, even if they don't understand. But there will be some people who will say, I told you so. 57 00:06:28,399 --> 00:06:36,160 Right now, the last thing you need to hear is I told you so. What you need to hear is the stories 58 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:41,359 of people who have either gone through what you're going through or who are in it right now, 59 00:06:42,399 --> 00:06:49,359 because they're the ones that truly understand. They're the ones that know how you feel and how 60 00:06:49,359 --> 00:06:55,040 to change how you feel about separation anxiety training. If you've never had a dog with separation 61 00:06:55,040 --> 00:07:00,320 anxiety or if you've never done separation anxiety training, you can't understand. No one 62 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:05,920 can understand how we feel in these moments when we have this hope. We want our dog to recover. 63 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:13,679 We know that gradual exposure is the way to do it, but we can't do it anymore. So find people 64 00:07:13,679 --> 00:07:19,279 who understand and go hang out with them. I don't mean go and have a coffee with them. Hey, in this 65 00:07:19,279 --> 00:07:25,359 day and age, coffees with strangers ain't happening. I do mean go online. Online is your 66 00:07:25,359 --> 00:07:30,880 best chance to meet people who are going through this right now. So the first place you can go if 67 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:35,519 you haven't already been there or if you haven't already joined, go to my free Facebook group, 68 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:41,440 Dog Separation Anxiety Support. There's 20,000 people in there who know what you're going 69 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:46,640 through. Now, you might not be somebody who likes to tell the world what you're feeling, 70 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:52,480 so you don't have to go into the group and post, but go into the group and just hang out. 71 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:57,359 See what other people are saying. Realize that what you're going through is normal. It's not 72 00:07:57,359 --> 00:08:03,920 just Julie saying it's normal. Everybody else is saying this is normal. And look at their tips for 73 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:09,279 how they got through it. Don't try and get advice from people who don't understand. 74 00:08:10,079 --> 00:08:18,160 Hang out with people who do get it. Tip number four. Realize that even when it feels like you're 75 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:23,679 not winning, you are actually benefiting from the training and so is your dog. 76 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:33,840 Nelson Mandela had a beautiful quote about this. He said that I am not, let me read it out to you, 77 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:43,039 I never lose. I either win or I learn. I'm either winning or I'm learning. And that 78 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:49,280 is separation anxiety training in a nutshell. Yes, you'll have days, maybe even weeks where 79 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:54,640 it feels like you're not progressing. But in those periods where it feels like you're stuck, 80 00:08:54,640 --> 00:09:01,039 you're still collecting amazing information about your dog's condition. So you're not progressing, 81 00:09:01,039 --> 00:09:07,039 but you're winning by developing a great insight into what your dog can and can't do, 82 00:09:07,039 --> 00:09:10,640 what affects your dog's likelihood to do well or not do so well. 83 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:16,479 And so in order to make sure that you are winning, even when you feel stuck, 84 00:09:17,359 --> 00:09:22,640 I want you to make sure that you go back and look at your data. Look for trends, look for patterns. 85 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:28,400 And if nothing else, go back and look at how many times you've trained, how many times you've been 86 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:35,840 successful rather than how many times you haven't been successful. I guarantee you, you have had 87 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:42,159 more successful sessions than you have unsuccessful ones. And that to me, that is winning. 88 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:50,320 So track data as you go along. When you feel stuck, review your data and remind yourself 89 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:56,719 of all the times that you had winner trials and know that the data you're collecting 90 00:09:56,719 --> 00:10:02,799 will help you win in the long run. So you are winning. You're winning through the learning. 91 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:12,400 My final tip, tip number five, I want you to focus on the process of training, 92 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:18,239 not the goal, not the number of hours, not how long you want to leave your dog for, 93 00:10:18,239 --> 00:10:24,320 not the fact that you want to be able to go to work and then get the dog walker in at lunchtime. 94 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:30,239 That is all important and you can definitely have that somewhere, 95 00:10:30,799 --> 00:10:34,239 log that somewhere, have that in your brain, but it's not what you're going to focus on. 96 00:10:35,599 --> 00:10:42,479 James Clear in his wonderful book, Atomic Habits, talks about winners and losers having the same 97 00:10:42,479 --> 00:10:48,880 goal. What does he mean by that? Well, he gave the example of sports teams. Every sports team 98 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:55,039 wants to win the championship that they are in. Yeah, right, it goes without saying, but only one 99 00:10:55,039 --> 00:11:00,960 team in the championship gets to win that championship. So they all have the same goal. 100 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:09,119 So it's not the goal that sets them apart. It's the process they use. That's what sets 101 00:11:09,119 --> 00:11:16,000 winners and losers apart. So focusing on the goal, focusing on four hours or three hours, 102 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:22,239 that's fine. Have that as something that you put as a sticky on the wall or just write it down 103 00:11:22,239 --> 00:11:26,559 somewhere, but you're not going to look at that every single day. Everybody who is going through 104 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:33,919 separation anxiety training wants to be able to leave their dog for X hours. That is not what 105 00:11:33,919 --> 00:11:39,679 separates out the people who will get there and the people who won't. Everybody who's not doing 106 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:44,559 separation anxiety training, but who has a dog with separation anxiety, they want four hours, 107 00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:50,320 three hours, whatever as well. That is not what's going to get their dog to that goal. 108 00:11:50,320 --> 00:12:00,320 What will get the dog there is the process that you use. And if you're working with the information 109 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:05,200 in my book or you're following along with the program in the free separation anxiety support 110 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:12,799 group, you're following a method called gradual exposure or desensitization, where we gradually 111 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:19,200 get a dog used to alone time by exposing it to tiny, tiny amounts of alone time that we increase 112 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:25,039 over time. And that's a method that has been proven to show the most likelihood of a dog 113 00:12:25,039 --> 00:12:31,840 overcoming separation anxiety. That's why I want you to focus on the process. You are focusing on 114 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:37,440 the process that is going to give your dog the best chance it's got of overcoming this. 115 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:43,599 Are there any guarantees? Absolutely not. Never trust a trainer, by the way, who tells you 116 00:12:43,599 --> 00:12:48,559 they can guarantee your dog will recover from a behavior condition or a behavior problem. 117 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:52,080 That doesn't happen. There's no guarantees when it comes to behavior change. 118 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:58,719 But what I say about the process that I teach you in my book or in my programs is that it's 119 00:12:58,719 --> 00:13:04,880 based on the science. It's based on proven methods. And I would not be telling you to use it 120 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:10,880 if I did not think it was the number one way, the number one chance you have of getting your dog 121 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:19,119 over this. Why? Because I have been in your shoes and I had a dog who I could not, could not 122 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:26,559 get to be left alone. And I tried everything. And I don't want that to be you. I just want you to 123 00:13:26,559 --> 00:13:34,719 focus on the thing that will work. That is gradual exposure to alone time. So just focus on 124 00:13:34,719 --> 00:13:40,880 your exercise. Focus on today's exercise and tomorrow's exercise. Or if you're taking a break, 125 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:45,280 focus on the next exercise you're going to do in two weeks time, whatever it might be. 126 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:52,719 Don't think about that end goal. It's the process that will get you to the end goal, 127 00:13:53,440 --> 00:14:00,239 not just aiming for the goal. You have to have a process and you have to focus on that process. 128 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:06,960 Every time you have a successful exercise, write it down, enter it into your worksheet, 129 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:11,679 and then go back and look over time at how many successful trials you've had. 130 00:14:12,239 --> 00:14:19,840 Just keep focusing on the next exercise and the next exercise. That is the best chance you can 131 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:28,320 give your dog of becoming a dog who's happy home alone. Okay, those are my five tips. So whether 132 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,520 you use them now, whether you come back to this episode, maybe you listen to this episode and a 133 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:38,960 few months time you come back because you need it right now. I want you to stick to these five 134 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:45,119 tips. And probably the most important thing of all is to hang out with people who get it and 135 00:14:45,119 --> 00:14:50,080 lean into them. Whether you're an extrovert and you want to comment, whether you're an introvert 136 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:57,039 and you just want to read the comments, lean in because having a community who understands you 137 00:14:57,039 --> 00:15:04,479 around you is one of the biggest factors in achieving long term challenging change, 138 00:15:04,479 --> 00:15:10,400 which is what separation anxiety training is. We know that. Okay, thank you so much for listening 139 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:17,119 today. I know you have a lot of options when it comes to listening. So I do appreciate you taking 140 00:15:17,119 --> 00:15:22,159 the time to listen to my podcast. Don't forget to join the free Facebook group. And if you get a 141 00:15:22,159 --> 00:15:28,479 chance, grab a copy of my book. I'm on your side. I'm rooting for you. My goal is to give you and 142 00:15:28,479 --> 00:15:35,599 your dog the best chance of getting over this. Okay, that's it from me for now. I will see you 143 00:15:35,599 --> 00:15:41,840 on the next one. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Be Right Back separation 144 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:48,159 anxiety podcast. If you want to find out more about how I can help you further, head over to 145 00:15:48,159 --> 00:15:53,840 julienaysmith.com. Meanwhile, if you enjoyed listening today, I would love it if you would 146 00:15:53,840 --> 00:16:00,960 head over to wherever you listen to your podcast and consider rating my show. Thanks so much. 147 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:08,320 Good luck with that training and bye for now.