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Hello, and welcome to the Be Right Back Separation Anxiety Podcast.

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Hi, I'm Julie Naismith, dog trainer, author, and full-on separation anxiety geek.

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I've helped thousands of dogs overcome separation anxiety with my books, my online programs,

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my trainer certification, and my Separation Anxiety Training App.

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And this podcast is all about sharing my tips and tricks to help you teach your dog how

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to be happy at home alone too.

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In this episode, I'm talking about choice in separation anxiety training.

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I'm really passionate that dogs just don't get that much choice in their life.

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Now, I don't mean you to think that I'm suggesting for one minute that we should let dogs do

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everything that they want to.

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I mean, if that were the case, then my dog Percy would get run over chasing rabbits.

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My dog Tex would probably eat himself to death because he would eat and eat and eat

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until he couldn't eat anymore.

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So, part of being a good pet parent, part of caring for our dogs is making decisions

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for them, making decisions that they may not otherwise choose.

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But we have to remember that dogs are our prisoners.

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Dogs don't get to decide very much in their lives at all, and I know prisoner probably

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sounds really harsh, but think about it.

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We decide absolutely everything for them.

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We decide which home they come to live in.

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We bring them home.

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We choose them.

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They don't choose us.

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We choose pretty much what they eat, although with picky eaters, maybe we let them get away

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with not eating what we think they should eat.

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We decide when they go for walks.

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They might nag us a little bit.

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They might get on us because they're bored and they need to go outside and play, but

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it's pretty much fitting in around our schedule.

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And we decide when we want to cuddle them.

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Okay, so you've got the ones that nudge you, that come up to you and kind of pester you

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until you cuddle them, but we're still making that choice to cuddle them in that moment.

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With dogs, lives don't revolve around choice.

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It's just not how they are structured.

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We keep them in comfortable captivity.

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And that's why I think it's so important that whenever we can, we look at the world from

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our dog's perspective and see whether it's at all possible that we can add more choice

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to their lives.

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But what about separation anxiety and in particular separation anxiety training?

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Is it possible that we can incorporate choice into that?

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What do dogs with separation anxiety think about being left anyway?

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Well, it seems quite obvious to us, doesn't it, that dogs who have an anxiety about their

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human leaving, they hate it.

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They hate it.

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We get quite a good read on how they feel about being left.

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But what about dogs without separation anxiety?

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Well, they aren't voting for their humans to leave.

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It's not the number one thing on their list.

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So normal dogs don't want to be left alone.

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Dogs with separation anxiety hate being left alone, panic at being left.

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So when we get dogs over separation anxiety, are we trying to get them to be okay with

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something that they actually don't want to do?

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Are we trying to get them to accept something that they wouldn't naturally ask for?

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Because no dog wants to be left.

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The non-anxious dog, if we were to go inside their head, we might hear them say,

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Oh, well, you're going out again, I get it, I don't want you to go out, but since you

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are going out, I'll just go over here and hang out until you get back.

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A dog with separation anxiety, a scared dog who's petrified of being left, they would

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say, please don't go, don't go out, I cannot cope when you leave me alone.

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But for either category of dog, being alone is not a natural state.

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However, us going out and leaving dogs is part and parcel of not necessarily what it

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means to be a pet parent, but it is how we relate to dogs.

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It's part of the deal, as far as we're concerned, that goes along with having a dog.

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But as much as we want to do everything we can for our dogs, we want them to be comfortable,

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we want them to be okay, part of the deal is we are going to leave them at times.

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And as long as dogs live with us, as long as we think it's ethical to have dogs living

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in our homes, as long as we have jobs and medical appointments and social lives, then

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we owe it to dogs.

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We owe it to dogs to help them cope with this truly unnatural state.

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Given that they wouldn't choose it, given that they are not lining up to say, yeah,

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go out, please go out, just get out, I don't want you around anymore, I'm so done, I need

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some time on my own, I need alone time, now since they are not saying that, given that

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they're not choosing to be left, how can we at least incorporate more choice into how

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we approach home alone training?

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Well, here are seven things that I think we can do that will give our dogs more choice.

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And if you're not doing these already, and actually I know that many of the people that

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I work with are doing this already, but if you're not doing these seven things already,

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do reflect on how you can incorporate them into your separation anxiety training.

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The first one, let your dog choose when he wants to train.

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Okay, what do I mean by that?

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He's not going to be pestering you to do home alone training, because that's not how it

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works.

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He's going to pester you to throw the ball, or to get a belly scratch, or to open the

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treat tin, but he's not going to bundle up to you and say, hey, you know that separation

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anxiety training thing?

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Could we do that now?

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Letting them choose, letting him choose when to train, means being fully aware of whether

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he's okay, he's in a state where he's going to be fine and comfortable with the training.

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And it means being aware of the times when he says, do you know what, just not today.

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And that that's okay.

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It's okay for your dog to vote with their feet, to vote with their body language, to

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say, no, you know, I know you want me to get comfortable with being alone, but I'm not

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really digging the training today.

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Can we just skip it?

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And if your dog is telling you that, and remember, dogs speak volumes through their body language,

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and in particular, the micro-tells, if that's what your dog's saying, let them choose.

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It's okay.

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And in fact, it's way better for you to choose not to train when your dog is telling you

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it's not today, than to try and force through the training.

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It's not good for you, and it's not good for your dog.

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Number two, when you do start training, when you're starting a training exercise, let your

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dog choose when they want to stop.

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Okay, so they might not want you to train at all, which is the first point, but when

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you get started, be so conscious of what they are saying with their body language.

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And if you have any suspicions that your dog isn't handling it, then I want you to

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stop, because that is letting your dog choose when to stop.

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Lots of people say that if we work on fear-based training, we're forcing dogs to be okay with

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their fears.

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Often what's happening there is people are missing the signs that their dog isn't comfortable.

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But if you look for the signs, you will see when your dog is saying, yeah, okay, I can

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do this today, or no, it's too much, I need to stop right now.

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And that is giving your dog choice.

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So number one and two are letting your dog tell you when it's okay to start the training,

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and number two is letting your dog tell you when it's time to stop.

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Let them choose.

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Doesn't matter what you've got in your goals, it doesn't matter what you've written down

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that you want to achieve today, let your dog choose.

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Number three, let them choose what they do while you're doing the training.

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So remember with separation anxiety training, what we do is gradually expose your dog to

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increasing amounts of alone time, but at a pace that's okay with your dog.

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And the alone time doesn't increase in any big increments.

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It's just little increases that your dog can handle.

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And if we ever think it's too much, we go back and we make things easier.

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And that is it.

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That's the training.

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The training isn't about getting your dog to do something, the training is about getting

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your dog to feel differently about being left.

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So if your dog wants to look out the window and it's fine and that doesn't make him anxious,

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let him look out the window.

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If looking out the window makes your dog anxious and makes things worse, then you want to probably

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certainly block the window, stop your dog seeing outside because that stimulus is too

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much for them.

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But if your dog wants to sit by the door when you're gone, as long as he's not anxious,

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remember he's telling you when he's okay with his body language, but if his body language

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is fine, he's not stressed, he's not anxious, he's not upset, but he's just hanging out

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by the door because any minute now you're going to come back in, then let him do that.

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Let him choose.

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Don't make him stay on a bed.

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Don't make him stay in a crate.

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Don't make him stay in a room he doesn't want to be in.

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Just let him choose where he stays or what he does while you do separation anxiety training

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and that extends to when you've got the longer durations and you're now going out and you're

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doing your stuff, let your dog choose.

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If your dog's not doing any harm, if your dog's not getting into stuff, just let them

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choose what they want to do and where they want to be.

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Now, as someone who owns a Labrador cross, letting him have access to the kitchen or

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to food on the counter is not going to happen, so I'm not going to give Tex full choice over

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what he does when I'm gone.

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So obviously we're going to be sensible about this, we're going to make it safe and we're

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going to make sure there aren't things that dogs can get into that they shouldn't get

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into, but once we've done all of that, just let them decide where they want to be and

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what they're going to do.

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Don't make them stay on a bed, don't make them stay in a particular room, give them

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choice.

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Number four, let your dog greet you when you come in.

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Don't ignore your dog.

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If you're doing this training, your dog is being brilliant at learning to cope with you

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coming and going, learning to cope on his own, but he loves you to bits and when you

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come back in, he probably needs you to interact with him.

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So give him that choice, give him that choice, allow him to greet you however he wants to

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greet you.

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Know that it's not him being bad or crazy or anything, it's just he loves you and he

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wants to greet you, so give him the choice if he wants to greet you, allow him to do

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that, don't deny him that.

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Despite what you might read, despite all the advice to the contrary, ignoring your dog

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is not going to help one bit.

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So give him the choice to come and say hi.

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Number five, so outside of training, let him be with you when he needs to be with you.

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Let him be in your company, if he's going to learn to be okay when you're gone, then

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give him access to you when you're around because that's what he wants.

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He loves you more than anything else in the whole wide world, so allow him to be with

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you when he needs to be with you.

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So if he needs a snuggle, let him do it, it's not going to make his separation anxiety worse.

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If he needs a belly rub, give him a belly rub, let him be with you when he needs you.

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That's a massive choice that we can allow dogs to make.

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Number six, be really mindful that the goals, the hours, the milestones, all those things

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that we use to measure separation anxiety progress, they're about us and not them.

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Dogs don't care about that, I guarantee you, if you're working on separation anxiety training,

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your dog is not saying to himself, I can't wait till I get comfortable with two hours

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so that mum can go out for two hours, he's not saying that.

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Remember, he'd rather you didn't go, we're helping him cope, we're giving him coping

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skills, but he is not looking at the chart, waiting to check off the next big number

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and the next big number, that's no dog anywhere.

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So when we reframe it and remind ourselves that goals and hours and milestones are about

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our agenda, then I think it helps us go at our dog's pace, because when we try to push,

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when we try to go too quickly, it's because we need that for us, and I know, I know you

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need to be able to do stuff, remember I've been there, I've been there with a dog who

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I felt as imprisoned as he did, basically, that's how you feel, right, which is actually

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quite interesting because they feel that all the time.

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We feel like we have no choice when we've got a dog with separation anxiety, they feel

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like that all the time, but I've been there and I've wanted to get to two hours, I've

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been desperate to get to three hours, I've been so needy of getting more time that I

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could do stuff with, so I really understand, and it's important to keep ourselves motivated

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and think about the freedom and the things we'll be able to do when we get that bit more

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time, when our dogs can handle more alone time, but that is about us, that is about

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our needs and not theirs.

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And I think it helps take the pressure off if we remind ourselves that the best place

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to go at is the one that our dog is choosing, and if that means he's going to go for a few

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weeks without making any progress, that's okay because that's his choice and if he chooses

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his path through this, he will be more confident, he will have a better foundation, and that's

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going to be good for you too.

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Number seven, my final point, and probably the biggest one, is keep the training 100% fear-free.

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Dogs don't vote for training that makes them scared, no dog would, and what that means

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in separation anxiety training is we don't test out dogs to see, hmm, how long could

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they go for this time, we don't need to do that because that goes back to point six,

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those goals, the hours, the big glamorous milestones, those are about us, they're about

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our agenda.

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A dog does not want us to test them out in that way.

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They don't need us to watch them and start our stopwatch and wait until we see them getting

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a little bit anxious, that's not what they want.

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They want to feel, if they had any vote in this process of separation anxiety training,

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they would just say, okay, alright, I get it, I need to be able to cope on my own, I

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can do it, but as long as I don't get scared while I'm training, yeah, that's fine.

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And remember, mild fear is fear, it's fear, it's not, it's fear, so let's not try and

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downplay it by saying, oh, yeah, well, you know, he did exhibit some mild fear, he was

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at his anxiety threshold, he did just tip over, fear is fear.

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So just because we think the training is going too slowly, I guarantee you that that

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doesn't mean the dog does, in fact, more likely than not, that's exactly the right pace for

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that dog.

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It's slow for us, but it's right for them.

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It's all about slowly, steadily, and at your dog's pace.

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And if your dog is ever finding things too difficult, we make things easy again.

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But always think about, what can my dog handle, what's the pace that's right for them?

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So those are my seven things that will give dogs more choice over a process that he really

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doesn't have that much choice about, but that we think is an important process because we

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need to do things, we need to live our lives, and we want a dog who can cope with that reality.

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Your dog is never going to choose to be alone.

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This training is not going to turn him into a convert to, I want to be alone, that is

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not a dog's natural state.

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But if he were to sign up to this, he would probably sign up to a deal that said, okay,

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I know you need to do these things, mom, I know you need to go out, get it, so if you

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can help me be okay with that, help me cope with it and not feel scared, then I think

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I'd like to give that a try.

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And so what you're doing now, the separation anxiety training that you're doing, is helping

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him deal with his biggest fear.

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For a dog with separation anxiety, being alone is as scary as it gets.

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And I promise you, he would absolutely thank you for doing that, as I do.

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Alright, good luck with that training and I look forward to catching you soon.

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Bye for now.

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Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Be Right Back Separation Anxiety Podcast.

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If you want to find out more about how I can help you further, head over to julienaysmith.com.

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Meanwhile, if you enjoyed listening today, I would love it if you would head over to

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wherever you listen to your podcasts and consider rating my show.

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Thanks so much.

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Good luck with that training and bye for now.
