In the last episode I talked about what you should do if you feel like giving up, but
in this episode on a kind of similar theme, all about helping you through when it gets
difficult, I want to talk to you about what you should do or what can help when you don't
want to give up, even though you feel like giving up, but you just feel burnt out and
you feel like the pressure is too much.
So that's why in this week's episode we're tackling my 5 tips to help you feel less burnt
out about the training so that hopefully you don't want to give up.
Hello and welcome to the Be Right Back Separation Anxiety Podcast.
Hi I'm Julie Naismith, dog trainer, author and full on separation anxiety geek.
I've helped thousands of dogs overcome separation anxiety with my books, my online programs,
my trainer certification and my Separation Anxiety Training App.
And this podcast is all about sharing my tips and tricks to help you teach your dog how
to be happy at home alone too.
Let's dive in.
First of all, my first tip for you if you're feeling burnt out by this training is stop
thinking about an end goal.
I mentioned this a bit in the last episode and it's such an important point.
I know that kind of seems weird because after all the reason you're doing separation anxiety
training is so that you can get your dog to be able to be alone for a reasonable amount
of time.
And I find that everybody's goal here can be slightly different.
Some people are thinking it's got to be 6 hours because that's how it's going to work
with my work day, we're going to get somebody to come in at lunchtime.
And so I need my dog to be able to do the 6 hours between when I leave in the morning
and when I get the pet sitter or the dog walker to come in at lunchtime.
Okay, but for other people it's 2 hours or maybe even an hour.
Wherever you're at, you've probably got a time in mind where you say, you know, if I
can just get X time, if I can just get an hour, it means I can go to the gym.
If I can just get 2 hours, it means I can go round to my mum's for lunch next weekend
even though I can't take my dog because of the cats.
So whatever that time is, you've probably got a goal like that in your head.
And I'm not saying don't have those dreams because the dreams are what keep us going
often.
But sometimes, often times, those big goals actually hold us back.
And they hold us back because they can seem so far away.
And they hold us back because of the pressure it piles on us.
If you're working to 6 minutes with your dog's separation anxiety training but your ultimate
goal is 6 hours, you can just feel so overwhelmed and so far off and so crushed by the thought
of how long it might take you that you just feel like you never want to do the training.
So it doesn't mean don't dream, but it does mean that you should adjust your focus, adjust
your goals from the big lofty ambitious goal, kind of keep that in your head somewhere.
It's okay to have that.
Dream about that.
But then when you're training, you keep your goals tiny.
You keep them small.
And you really want to focus on the process of training rather than the ultimate endgame.
Now research shows that when we do that, when we're undergoing a really big complex change
that takes time, that only shows very tiny results in the short term, that we should
just focus on what we do right now and not that big lofty top-of-the-mountain goal.
So for separation anxiety training, what that means is you focus on having a good session today.
Every time you have a quality session where you get out of the door without your dog getting
upset and you come back without your dog getting upset, you've just helped change your dog's
association of being left, which is what we're all about with gradual exposure.
It might be a tiny change and most likely it's a tiny change that you can't see today.
But it's the sum of all those tiny changes that's what leads to that goal.
That's what gets you to the top of the mountain.
So this week when you're training, just think about, did I have a good session today?
Did I have a good session yesterday?
How am I going to make sure I have a good session tomorrow?
So think quality.
In some ways I wish, in lots of ways I wish, we didn't have a clock running when we were
doing separation anxiety training because it really makes us focus on time.
It makes us focus on six seconds or six minutes or six hours and it becomes an obsession.
Of course it does.
And the way I teach you to do the separation anxiety training is to focus on time because
time helps us judge how we did.
But it's not everything.
So if you think that six minutes is going to be too much for your dog today,
it's way better instead of pushing through and thinking that if I don't do six minutes
a day I'm never going to get to six hours.
It's way better just to say what time can my dog do today comfortably, without stress,
without taxing my dog so that I can get that successful session in.
So that's what happens when you focus on the process.
You just focus on today, maybe yesterday, maybe tomorrow, but really not much farther
ahead than that.
Focus on what you do, how well you do it.
Focus on the tiny, tiny steps that you need to make.
And it's all those tiny changes that ultimately lead up to you achieving that longer goal.
So my first tip, stop thinking about the ultimate goal.
Keep that in your mind.
Dream about it.
Dream big, but keep the training small.
My second tip, don't do the maths or don't do the math.
Depending on where you are, what does she mean by that?
It's all about numbers, isn't it?
Well, yes and no.
And this is kind of linked to the first goal.
So what we can do, what we often do, and I see it all the time with my clients in
Separation Anxiety Heroes, is we do do the maths.
Here's what I mean by that.
So let's say your goal is two hours and you've been training for two months.
Now, we know that with changing a brain, especially when it comes to changing an association
like fear, that early progress is really slow because we are fighting against a really powerful
response, which is fear.
We're trying to change your dog's response from fear to, oh, OK, neutral.
And that is a big shift.
That takes a lot of repetitions of you going out of the door.
Takes a lot of quality sessions.
The quality sessions I was talking about in tip number one.
And it takes you doing that over and over again.
When you first start out training, you will feel like you're not getting anywhere.
Very often you feel like you're just almost just flatlining, like your progress just looks
really flat.
And so you might get to the end of the two months and you could be at three minutes.
You're like, what?
Hang on, this training is not working.
Three minutes after two months.
And then you get your calculator out or you do it in your head or you get a spreadsheet
out and you go, OK, so if it's taking me two months, you get three minutes.
I'm going to be 80.
I'm going to be 80 by the time my dog gets this.
So you are not allowed to do the maths.
I say that to all my clients.
Don't do the maths because it doesn't work like that.
Yes, the progress at the start of your training will be very, very flat looking.
But that's not to say that there isn't a huge change going on in your dog's brain.
There is.
Your dog, every time you go out of the door, has had a brand new experience,
a fear-free experience of being left.
That's a huge change.
That's massive.
It's just that it takes a lot of those for your dog to start feeling overall comfortable.
Oh, wait a minute.
OK, so, yeah, she used to go out and it was scary.
But now it seems like when she goes out, it's absolutely fine.
Yeah, I've got this.
It takes a lot of repetition until your dog starts going, OK.
And as that learning cements, the more you go out the door, the more that learning does cement,
then the quicker, well, not quicker, let's not use the word quick,
then the more you'll see your progress start to tick up.
So expect a flat looking line at the start of your training.
And don't do the maths because it isn't like that.
When people work in my Separation Anxiety Heroes group,
we work with my Be Right Back training app.
And the Be Right Back training app has, one of the features, is showing people their progress line.
Once a week, we'll do a competition where we get people to share their progress,
just to say, you know, how are you doing?
No expectations, no big lofty goals, just how are you doing this week?
And I get people to share the screen of their progress line.
And it looks exactly how I've described to you.
Not a lot happening at the start, even though there is a lot happening in your dog's brain.
But it doesn't look like a lot is happening when we look at the chart,
even though progress is definitely being made.
But then we start to see that uptick.
So if you're guilty of doing the math or the maths, I want you to stop.
Do we have a deal on that?
OK.
Number three, you need to stop telling yourself that you're cheating.
Huh?
What do I mean by cheating?
Well, I don't mean that you're making up the numbers and putting them into your worksheet,
or if you're one of my clients, putting fake numbers into the app.
I don't mean that.
Because, like, why would you do that?
By cheating, what I mean is when people say,
uh, my dog seems to do better in the evenings after daycare.
But that's cheating, right?
If I only train then.
I know.
Why is that cheating?
You've just identified a context in which your dog does better.
You've just identified a context in which this training
seems to be easier for your dog than at other times.
Making something easier isn't cheating.
Making something easier is setting your dog up for success,
or setting any learner up for success.
There's a reason why when people learn to drive,
they don't learn to drive on the highway or motorway, right?
That would be ridiculous.
When people learn to drive, they often learn to drive
on quiet industrial estates at the weekend,
or very, very quiet back streets where there aren't huge junctions.
There aren't double lanes.
That's where people learn to drive, right?
And then the better you get, the more you progress to busier areas,
to busier roads, and then eventually you go onto a highway or motorway,
but you don't learn to drive there.
That's not cheating, right?
Oh, it's fine.
I can drive, you know.
Imagine a learner driver who's six months into training saying,
oh, it's cheating because I can do this, I can do all of this,
but I can only do it on a really quiet side street.
Well, imagine the driving instructor saying,
yeah, that is cheating.
That's totally cheating.
That's just a ridiculous conversation, isn't it?
That wouldn't happen.
That is just about learning progress.
The driving instructor is going to say, of course you're going to start there.
We will get to the busier roads.
We will get to faster moving traffic when you're ready.
And it's the same with dog training.
You know, we don't teach puppies to sit at the park.
That's not where we start, anyway.
We start in the living room.
We start in the kitchen.
We start when they are up for training.
We don't start when they're distracted,
when they want to run around squeaking their toy,
and we definitely don't teach them to sit the first time at the park.
We will get there.
So it's the same with separation anxiety training.
Don't ever say to yourself, this is cheating.
If you find a context where your dog finds being left easier,
finds the training easier, celebrate it, embrace it,
and make the most of it because it's not cheating.
It's learning.
If your dog can start this home alone training,
start the learning of being left in a context
that just sets them up for success way better,
then start there.
Don't fight against it and definitely don't accuse yourself
or your dog of cheating.
It's just sensible.
My fourth tip here.
Don't make training a job
and especially don't make it feel like a job that you hate.
I know you're driven.
You probably wouldn't be listening to this podcast
if you weren't driven and you weren't focused
on trying to get your dog over separation anxiety.
And when I think about the members
in my separation anxiety heroes group,
they are all driven.
Crazily so sometimes.
I think, wow, look at the energy.
Look at the commitment.
And that's great.
And we need that commitment and we need drive.
Of course we do because it's not like we are getting up
in the morning and saying, whoa, separation anxiety training
is the number one thing I want to do today
because I love it.
Oh, I love it.
I just love it.
Right?
No, who says that?
We say, oh, I love going for a long,
leisurely, off leash walk with my dog.
Or I love it when we go to the park
and he meets up with all these doggy friends.
Or I love taking her to agility.
It's so much fun.
Those are the sorts of things we say about our dog.
Those are the things we find fun.
But not honestly, hand on heart,
who is finding separation anxiety training fun?
It's not fun.
I know it's not.
And if you're listening to this
and you haven't started separation anxiety training,
I've probably put you completely off.
But please don't.
It's not necessarily the most fun thing you can do,
but it's definitely worth it.
However, that doesn't mean to say
you should make it into a huge chore.
Make it a job.
Make it your raison d'etre,
the one thing that drives your day.
Don't think you can just train and train and train
and train and train and not start to have that
take a toll on you in particular.
Dogs are quite resilient when it comes to learning.
Give them a break.
Give them a day off, 24 hours, enough time to sleep.
And that little brain of theirs
will click back into learning again
and they'll consolidate what they did learn.
But with us, there are way more emotions going on.
There's way more baggage.
And what can happen,
and I do see this way too often,
and it kind of prompted me to do this podcast actually,
is people who are so committed and so driven.
And I love them for that.
I love people who are that committed to this training.
But so committed that it does take over their life
and the training starts to feel like a job.
And well, for most of us,
when something starts to feel like a chore
or something we have to do at all costs,
like a job that we hate doing
but we have to go to because we have to pay the bills,
that's when we start to feel resentful.
That's when we start to put more pressure on ourselves as well
because we hate it so much.
We start saying things like,
I can't keep doing this.
I can't be doing this forever
because you're going back to number one.
You're looking at the top of the mountain
instead of just focusing on today.
You're also going back to number two
where you're doing the maths
and you're like, okay, I really hate this training
but let me see how long reasonably
am I going to need to keep doing it.
So you've broken, well, they were not rules
but you've gone against my first two tips
and you're now making it a job
because you hate it.
It's a chore.
You've just got to the point now
where it's just making you feel ugh
and that burnout is real.
The burnout will make you feel
like you hate doing this even more.
The burnout will make you feel irritable about it.
The burnout will make you feel tearful
and overwhelmed and depressed and anxious
and just so horribly taken over,
consumed by it
that what life are you left with?
All you've got going on with your dog
is this training that you hate
and you didn't get a dog to come into your life
to focus on this thing you hate doing with your dog.
So don't make it a job.
Okay, but how do you not make it a job?
Well, you can just take the pressure off by saying
I might have a goal of five times a week most weeks
but you know what, if I don't do that
I'm not going to do it.
Instead of saying train five times a week
which is I know it's probably my fault
because I encourage people to do that.
Instead of saying that, why not say
I'm just not feeling it this week
but you know what, I will try and train once, just once
and anything else is a bonus.
So when you're feeling like that
when you're feeling like it's taken over your life
you resent it, you hate it, you're feeling burnt out by it
instead of saying I'm going to keep training
and I'm going to keep training like crazy
go the other way and say
okay, all pressure off this week
I'm just going to train once
and if it's once for five minutes
that's all I'm going to do.
Your dog will be okay, your dog will keep learning
and you'll start to feel better about it
because instead of getting up on a Monday morning
and thinking where am I going to fit all this training in
I'm just resenting it, it's just taking its toll on me
you'll say do you know what
I can definitely do five minutes on Wednesday
yep I've got that
and then anything else on top of that is a bonus.
Okay my final tip is take a break
yeah I know, I know I encourage you all to train and train and train
because we know repetition counts
because we know to change a fear association
you have to have a lot of neutral associations
you have to do a lot of repetitions
but here I am saying take a break
wow okay Julie's just said I don't have to do this training
well yes and no
you want to do this training when you're feeling up for it
when you're feeling fresh
when you're feeling like you've got it
but if you're not feeling any of those
if the burnout is just so bad
then taking a break is the best thing you can do
that could be a weekend
it could be a week
it could be longer
wait a minute won't my dog lose all that learning
well we don't really know
we do know that it's easy for a brain when it's learning
to revert back to old learning
we do know that
and we do know that keeping new learning going
keeps it fresh and keeps it prominent
but we don't know exactly how much difference
taking a week off or taking two weeks off
will make to your dog's learning
and that learning doesn't go away by the way
it doesn't doesn't get lost
it just gets shadowed by the old learning
when we don't repeat the new learning
and it's not fully cemented yet
then definitely taking a break
there is a risk that the old learning comes back again
however there's a few things to unpack here
first of all if you're just hating the training
and it's making you miserable
then you do have to stop
because I've noticed that when we put pressure on ourselves
because we hate the training so much
we want to get through it
we just want to get to the end of it
that's when we start taking risks
we push too much
or we go the other way and we get way too conservative
because we're so worried about losing any progress we've made
that we get really stressed about any sign of anxiety
that sometimes isn't even there
because we just we cannot go back
we cannot go backwards
so taking a break can mean you come back at that
with a fresh perspective
and let's also unpack the fact that taking a break
because it doesn't mean that learning is gone
it just means that learning might get overshadowed a little bit by the old learning
well I've seen time and time and time and time again
with dogs with separation anxiety
once they get back into the learning it comes back
now some dogs can take a break
and it's like you've never taken a break
some dogs you take a break and yeah
it's like oh looks like he's completely forgotten
but the completely forgotten is just the old memories
being used more than the new memory
how do you come back from a break?
you just take easy easy steps
and you'll be surprised how when you start refreshing your dog's learning
you can start to see that come back
and honestly the potential risk of you taking a break
that your dog might look like he's forgotten even though he hasn't
compared to the potential risk of you continuing on when you're burnt out
it's a no-brainer take a break
and you can still you can take a break from training
but do what I call ad-hoc absences
what does that mean?
well it means you're a bit less formalized
you're not if you're in my group my separation anxiety heroes group
you're getting your app out every time you train
if you're not using my app from my separation anxiety heroes group
then you've probably got a worksheet or a notepad or something like that
you're you're focused
well you can also do a minute absence to take the rubbish rubbish or the garbage out if you want
right that's still an absence
it's not formal training but it's still an absence
and I do find that when we're burnt out with the training
the train five times a week
train with a plan that I always encourage you to do
but when you feel burnt out by that stopping that
but maybe just keeping going with some ad-hoc absences
can at least keep your dog in the game
and what that does is it makes you worry a bit less about taking a break
because I know some of you are just like I can't take a break
I can't take a break
but like I say when you feel so bad about the training
that it's overwhelming you and taking over your life
and you feel awful and miserable
then taking a break is what you need to do
but what about if you are so done
like you're just so done
like you're listening to this and thinking
yeah Julie even a break isn't going to cut it for me
I just need to walk away from this now
I'm hating it
I feel hopeless
it's not going to happen for me
well first of all just know that
so many people who've now got their dog over separation anxiety
have felt how you feel right now
and that it's normal and that it's natural
but also know that it's okay to feel like that
while still not entirely turning your back on separation anxiety training
because you can definitely definitely say I'm done
but still come back to it
I know that sounds kind of weird
what do I mean that sounds totally contradictory
but it's what I observe
and I think I've been there as well with other things with my dog's issues
is that we sometimes just need to say I am done
because we need that for our mental health
I am done I'm going to focus on something else
me and my dog are going to do fun stuff together
she loves doing scent work
so I'm going to spend my time doing scent work with her
rather than separation anxiety training
I am turning my back on this
we're going to just keep managing
we're already managing absences
I'm done
and that's okay
and you walk away
but guess what can happen
because you walked away
because you now feel like a weight has been lifted
you end up quite often having more energy to come back to it
so saying I'm stopping now
it doesn't have to be forever does it
do you see what I mean
so kind of a heavy podcast today
but you know I like to keep it real
you know that about me if you're listening to my podcast
I don't like to make it all hearts and flowers
and it's all positive
and it's all going to be amazing
because we're going to have hard times
and I want to be here for you when you have those hard times
so if you're feeling like you are just so over this and so burnt out
do have a listen
go back over some of these tips and think
okay which one of these can help me
how can I implement one of these
to help me feel that bit better about this thing
because the number one thing that's going to get your dog over separation anxiety
is you having the energy and the heart for keeping going
and that's what I want for you
all right thank you so much for listening today
I'll catch you on the next one
bye for now
thank you so much for listening to this episode of the
Be Right Back Separation Anxiety Podcast
if you want to find out more about how I can help you further
head over to julienasmith.com
meanwhile if you enjoyed listening today
I would love it if you would head over
to wherever you listen to your podcasts
and consider rating my show
thanks so much
good luck with that training
and bye for now