Why is There so Much Owner Guilt?

Well hey there and welcome to another episode of the Fixing Separation Anxiety podcast.

I'm your host Julie Naismith and this week we're going to be talking about the subject of guilt

because there are so many ways in which owners whose dogs have separation anxiety have to deal

with guilt. So this week we're going to look at where those guilty feelings come from and I'm

going to be sharing my tips for helping you feel less guilty even though right now that might seem

incredibly hard. First of all the number one reason I see that people feel guilty about

separation anxiety is that sense that you caused your dog's separation anxiety in the first place.

I really don't know if there's an owner out there who hasn't at some point felt this way

and it's little wonder because everything we read, everything we hear, every conversation we have

seems to reinforce this that it's our fault somehow. We're told it's because we let our

dog sleep on the bed, we didn't leave him long enough when he was a puppy, we spent too much

time with him, we haven't shown him who's leader, we didn't let him cry it out, we let him go out

of the door first and on and on and on. But none of this is true. We don't actually know what causes

separation anxiety. However, we do know what doesn't. We know that dogs choosing to sleep on

comfortable surfaces like beds and sofa, that doesn't cause separation anxiety and letting our

dogs eat first, that's not going to cause them to have separation anxiety from us. Us not being

quote leader enough, that's not another cause of separation anxiety and this one is kind of

ridiculous. Actually, all of these are kind of ridiculous when you think about it. Dogs don't

know who the leader is in the house. I mean, come on, we decide when they eat, what they eat, where

they walk, when they go out for a walk, how long they stay out, who they meet on the walks, who

they get to play with, we decide what toys they have, we decide when they can play with their

toys, when they go to bed, when they get up, we decide everything. If that's not leadership, tell

me what is. They know all too well who's leader. So us not being leader enough causes separation

anxiety, it's rubbish. Another one, coming back in when he cries, apparently that makes us molly

coddle them, it makes us baby them, we should just be letting them screech and howl and not give in

to them. Apparently that's what causes separation anxiety and we should be feeling guilty if we've

ever done that. By the way, those are all ridiculous. They're not proven. In fact, they're

disproven. So when you hear them, put your fingers in your ears. If there are things that we might

unwittingly do to contribute separation anxiety, we do them because either we've been told to do

them or we just don't know any better. So for example, let's go back to the crying it out.

If we let our dogs screech and cry and howl and basically be in a panic,

then we are reinforcing their fear of being home alone. So we can actually contribute to

their separation anxiety that way. Yet all those people who are telling you that you're a bad owner

because you're letting your dog sleep on the bed or you're a bad owner because you're not being

leader enough, they're also the ones that are telling you that you should leave a dog

with a panic disorder in a state of panic. So they know nothing about separation anxiety if

they are telling you to do that. They have no understanding of the fact that when an animal

is in flight or fight mode, which is what your dog's doing when he's panicking home alone,

the longer they panic, the worse the panic gets in the moment and the worse the panic becomes

longer term. So all those people telling you that you're a bad owner, that you should feel guilty

because you haven't let your dog cry out, they are not only wrong, but they're giving you risky,

dangerous advice. They're telling you to do the opposite of what we need to do.

So when you get bombarded with this guilt-inducing advice, what can you do? So well, here's a tip.

If you find any of this online information or if you read anything on social media that tells you

you cause your dog's separation anxiety, check the source of that. Check who wrote the blog,

check who posted the meme. If it's a trainer, are they an evidence-based trainer using modern

science-based methods that we know have been proven to work? Or are they uncertified or

balanced trainers who talk about dominance, leadership, pack theory? All of these things,

by the way, are code for punishment. All of these are training methods that have been proven to

cause stress and anxiety and fear in dogs. And guess what, folks? Not only do they not

fix separation anxiety, more often than not, they can make separation anxiety worse.

If you're a trainer who uses those methods, then it's in your interest to tell the owner

that the separation anxiety is your fault because guess what? Your methods aren't

fixing separation anxiety. So instead, let's blame owners. That's where we end up in this

terrible situation where owners like you who are battling this really debilitating, frustrating,

heartbreaking condition are then being told it's their fault too because trainers aren't

taking responsibility for poor training. A good trainer will not blame you for your dog's condition

and they will not tell you to let your dog cry it out or that you're not being leader or that

you're causing your dog separation anxiety. So instead of following trainers who tell you that,

read blogs and articles from certified force-free trainers who really know separation anxiety.

So I only work with separation anxiety cases. Those are the only cases I take on. And directly

or indirectly, I've helped hundreds of dogs. I've come across hundreds of cases. And there's just

no substitute for deeply understanding a behavior problem. So if in doubt, if you're not sure,

check through my podcast episodes. More than likely, I've addressed a question you've had about

separation anxiety in one of my podcast episodes. And if not, go check out my new book,

Be Right Back, which you can find on Amazon. Everything I say in my podcast, everything I put

in my book is based on evidence. It's based on pro the methods for addressing separation anxiety. So

if in doubt, if you think you've been given bad advice, go and check out my podcast.

Number two, the second reason that I see people feeling guilty about separation anxiety or when

they have a dog with separation anxiety is that sometimes you leave the house knowing that your

dog is having a bad time. And this one is a killer. You know, it's one thing to leave your

dog before you truly understand what separation anxiety is, before you realize what's going on

with your dog. But when you know what's going on, when you understand what separation anxiety is,

when you know what's happening in your dog's brain, you're leaving your dog despite what's

knowing what's going on. You're leaving your dog despite knowing that he's probably not okay.

And that is heartbreaking. It's gut wrenching. And I've been there. Full confession time. I've

left Percy in the past, hoping and praying he'd be okay. But deep down, knowing really that he

wouldn't be. I often look at him and ask him to forgive me for that. Forgive me for all the times

I left you when I didn't know. Forgive me for all the times when I left you and maybe suspected that

you weren't okay. And I think he has. Dogs, don't you love them? They're such forgiving creatures.

And you know, early on, I didn't know the full extent of the panic that he was going through,

that dogs with separation anxiety go through. My story is that when Percy developed separation

anxiety nine years ago, I was clueless. I had no idea that dogs got upset when left alone. I had

no idea that separation anxiety was even a thing. I would leave him not knowing what was going on,

but then I gradually began to learn about his condition. And there were still times,

even when I was learning that this wasn't kind of normal stuff and there was probably some panic

and fear going on with him, I still left him. I still did it. Yep. Every now and again. But it

wasn't long until I realized that he wasn't okay. And he was freaking out. He was losing his mind

with fear and panic. And that really, really motivated me to find ways to stop leaving him.

Not only because I learned subsequently and eventually that training would only work if he

wasn't being left, but also because I just couldn't bear how heartbreaking it was. Once you fully

understand the extent of what's going on in their panicking brains, it does become impossible to

leave them. Right now, though, you're probably thinking it is impossible to find ways not to

leave him. I have to go to work. I have to take the kids to school. I have to see my friends.

And I've been where you are right now. I've stood in your shoes and thought this is ridiculous.

There is no way I can find ways to stop leaving my dog. Not only have I been in your shoes,

but there are countless owners of dogs with separation anxiety who are also either

currently where you are or who've been where you are. They've said the exact same thing. This is

ridiculous. There is no way on earth I can manage absences so that my dog is not alone. And guess

what? People do work it out. They work it out because just as I did, it's that double whammy

of not wanting your dog to be in a panic, which I know you get, but also realizing the only way to

get both of you through this is to stop the absences, to find ways for your dog not to be

alone. So even if it does all seem impossible right now, you would be surprised how possible

it can be if you really put your mind to it. There are so many people who find ways, creative ways,

sometimes free ways to not leave their dog. And if they can do it, I know you can do.

They started out thinking it was impossible and they did actually succeed in not leaving their

dog. They do succeed. So the third thing that I see causing guilt is that feeling that your dog's

condition is taking over your life. Here you are. Not only do you have a dog with a debilitating

condition, but your quality of life is affected too. So his quality of life is affected. Your

quality of life is affected. Your friends and family question your sanity. What on earth are

you doing? Why are you making your world, your life revolve around your dog's condition? That

makes you feel guilty. It makes you feel isolated. It makes you feel desperate for a resolution.

And then on top of that, you feel bad because you're not a better owner who can get this

under control. Why is it nobody else's dog seems to be like this? Is everybody else managing to

fix their dog's separation anxiety? Are you the only one who can't do this? You feel like your

kids are suffering because of your dog's condition. Your friendships are suffering. Your family

relationships are under strain. Your fitness is completely gone to shot. You don't do anything

social anymore. It's a mess. So what can you do? This might seem like a complete no-brainer,

but you need to get training because the sooner you start, the sooner you are on the road to

potential recovery. And if you've already started training, I want you to dig in. I want you to

lean in. I want you to connect with other people who are going through what you are going through

and help yourself through those connections to get through this because separation anxiety training

is hard. It's emotional. It's unrewarding. It's just not fun. And it takes a long time. People

often ask me, how long will it take for my dog to get over separation anxiety? And while there are

absolutely no guarantees with behavior change, the dogs I do see recovering from separation

anxiety, they're taking a minimum of six months. So you need to be in separation anxiety training

for the long haul. Make sure you get connected with people just like you. That's going to greatly

help you lessen that guilt. How can you do that? Well, my free Facebook group is a fantastic place

to start. You'll be amazed how many people are going through the exact same thing that you are.

They hear the exact same things from their friends and family. They face the exact same challenges. So

do check out my free Facebook group. And if you want more support, if you want to work with me

directly, there's the Separation Anxiety Heroes group. This only opens up once a quarter,

but the next registration is going to be in January. And with Separation Anxiety Heroes,

not only do you get support from people around you, you get my support, you get technical support

with my app to develop your training plans. Because anything that we can do to make training easier

for you, to make it more habit forming, is going to help you stick with training, which like I say,

is not fun and can be a slog. But whatever you do, don't feel isolated. Please don't feel isolated.

Know that you don't have to do this alone. I've got your back and there are a bunch of

owners ready to be there for you. And they've got your back too. All right. Thank you for listening

today. I do hope you'll join me for the next episode. I know you've got a ton of listening

options and I really appreciate you tuning in today. That's it. Bye for now.