The 7 Common Separation Anxiety Training Errors – And What You Can Learn From Them

the podcast that's all about separation anxiety in dogs is back. We're back for a brand new season

and because we're all about the new series here I thought it would be a really good point to

reflect on some of the errors that I see being made really commonly in training and why start

a brand new series with focusing on the negative stuff. Well I want to make sure that you're doing

everything you can to make a success of your training so let's have a look at the things that

can trip you up. Those things that if you're not careful will make you think that this training

is never going to work for you and so that's why today's episode I'm looking at the seven

common errors that I see everyone or nearly everyone making when it comes to separation

anxiety training.

Hello and welcome to the Be Right Back separation anxiety podcast. Hi I'm Julie Naismith,

dog trainer, author, and full-on separation anxiety geek. I've helped thousands of dogs

overcome separation anxiety with my books, my online programs, my trainer certification,

and my separation anxiety training app and this podcast is all about sharing my

tips and tricks to help you teach your dog how to be happy at home alone too.

Okay let's dive in. Error number one, chopping and changing. The thing is the training that we

do is is similar in concept to something like a diet or an exercise regime. It's a long process,

it requires a lot of commitment, and it requires a fair amount of time and we don't always see

immediate results. In fact we almost rarely ever see immediate results and certainly not the results

that we're looking for and of course the problem with that is as humans we are always looking for

instant rewards. It's just how we're programmed. That's why we love it when social media pings up

little notifications for us and that's why it's really hard to say no to the chocolate cookie

that's sat on the kitchen counter because we like instant gratification. We like things to happen

now and so when we try something that just by its very nature is a process that takes a long time,

it can be really hard not to give up before we've given it a chance. So if you've ever been on a

diet or if you've ever started off in January with a brand new exercise fad that you're going

to try, because this one's going to be different right, you might remember that you've been through

that phase of thinking, oh okay no it's not working, I'm going to try another one, I'm going to try

another diet, I'm going to try another class, I'm going to try another exercise method. But the

problem isn't with the diet or the exercise fad or with separation anxiety training,

the problem is that we haven't given a tried and trusted process a really good chance. I see this

all the time with separation anxiety training, I see people giving up way too soon and in fact I

see people giving up when I look at their progress and I think that's actually really good progress

compared to all the hundreds of dogs that I've seen. I might look at somebody who's given up and

say wow but you were actually doing so well you just didn't realise it. Topping and changing

doesn't help you, going back onto Amazon looking for something else that's going to fix this isn't

what you need to do, what you need to do is apply yourself to a process that's based in science

that for the vast majority of dogs can make a difference if done well. But we have to be

patient and we have to accept that just because we're not getting immediate results from the

training that we do, it doesn't mean it's not the right process. Now quick reminder what is the

training that I'm talking about? Well it's gradual exposure therapy and it comes from the way that

we help humans overcome fears. We as the title says gradually expose the subject, the dog in our case

to something that it fears but at an intensity that's not likely to cause a freakout. So at an

intensity that's just not scary. If you're afraid of heights that means you might start by stepping

up, I know a couple of steps on a ladder. With a dog who's frightened of alone time we start with

the smallest of steps, maybe we're even just starting by touching the front door. Maybe with

some dogs we might start with stepping outside but the point being that we gradually increase

the intensity and that every step in that increase of intensity is non-fear inducing.

So it's a tried and trusted method, it has a really good success rate but it does take time.

In fact I hear a lot of people, a lot of professionals say they would never recommend it

because it takes too long. Well my view on that is what's too long? Yeah too long is I want this fixed

today but if it works is there really such a concept of too long and if it works and there

isn't anything better then you know it's just going to take as long as it needs to take because

there isn't anything that works better. Anyway I digress that's the method that's what we're

talking about when we talk about gradual exposure and you can see why people are prone to giving up

chopping and changing trying something else because it isn't instantly rewarding and I know

it's tough. It's also not the most fun training you're ever going to do with your dog. Nobody

gets up in the morning and says I can't wait to do separation anxiety training today. Well rarely

does anybody say that but most people don't say it. You might love going to agility, you might

really love just doing fun tricks or even obedience training because when you do it with rewards,

when you do classic behaviours, trained behaviours, sit down, all the good stuff,

dogs love it when you train with rewards so it's fun it's fun to do that but separation

anxiety training we're looking for no response from our dogs actually not even you know yippee

that was great I love doing a sit let's do that again. We're looking for no response and so as a

result it's not fun training to do I get that so we've got a training method that doesn't produce

a fun outcome isn't instantly gratifying and it does take time no wonder you want to chop and

change but the problem is if you ping around from one method to another from one product to another

from one approach to another you're just going to keep adding to the problem because you're not

working on the thing that is going to make the most difference to your dog being comfortable

with being home alone and that's training him gradually to be okay with alone time.

All the other things are distractions and if you get caught up in being distracted and pulled

away from the training then you're just delaying getting your dog over his condition and it does

take time and it does take repetition so you know the less time you spend googling alternative

treatments or quick fix training for separation anxiety the less time you spend doing that and

the more time you spend just doing this I know repetitive boring training the closer you are

to getting your dog to where you want him to be. All right so no chopping and changing no pinging

around to stick with the process and talking of process the second most common error that I see

is that actually we we do forget to focus on the process it's so ingrained in us to think about

the end goal we think about what it's going to be like when we can get our dog over this what's it

going to be like when we can go to dinner again or get back to the gym or just pick up groceries

without worrying about it it's so human nature to think about goals that we forget to focus on the

day-to-day and you know it's so natural we want our freedom back we just want that little taste

of freedom maybe just being able to go to the car without a full-blown panic attack from our dog

but as a society we've been really conditioned to focus on goals it's all about goals you know you

you must be some kind of loser if you don't set daily goals and if you don't have big

lofty ambitious goals but what's interesting is that more and more behavior science the studies

that are done in behavior science are showing us that actually focus on a goal doesn't actually

end up producing a better outcome and I absolutely love what James Clear has to say about this

if you haven't read James Clear's Atomic Habits I urge you to read it it is a phenomenal book it's

one of those books that comes out every few years that just blows you away that's rare to

meet anybody who's read it who hates it there are tens of thousands of five-star reviews for James

Clear's book Atomic Habits because it's very relatable it really repositions what we know

about how people achieve difficult outcomes and it's very much based on the latest thinking and

research but done in a very accessible way so I'm not an affiliate for James Clear or for Atomic

Habits I feel like I should be because I recommend this book so often but I highly highly recommend

that book anyway one of the things James Clear talks about is a focus on the process and that

focusing on the process of getting to where you want to be is what sets winners and losers apart

now he gives a really good example he talks about sports teams now every sports team wants to win

the cup or wants to win the league and that goal is common every club playing in a league wants to

win that league but not every club will win that league the club that wins the league is the one

that focuses on the best process to get there and it's like us with a dog with separation anxiety I

remember my goal was I wanted to go out mountain biking yours might be you want to go out to dinner

but it's really the same thing we're both saying I was saying I needed a couple of hours of freedom

so I could go mountain biking you were saying you might be saying now I need a couple of hours so

we can go out to dinner so really the goal is the same but when we look at what owners of dogs

with separation anxiety do in terms of their training the ones who get there the ones who get

their dogs over separation anxiety they've done a lot of training and they've trained well they've

trained with an incremental plan they've kept their dog under threshold and they've done an awful lot

of training now the rub of it and this is what always this is the disappointing side of this is

that you can do all of that and still not get your dog over separation anxiety because you know just

like the team that focuses on the process might still not win the league because you know the

player might get injured or there might be some you know confidence issue going on so you can't

100% control the process that's all around all about humans or all about dogs especially

about dogs but the team that wins the league doesn't do it without focusing on the process

without doing the best job it can of preparing and training and doing the right things and the

same is true of owners who get their dogs over separation anxiety they do the right things they

stick with the process and they focus on the now rather than focusing on that end goal you

can't get your dog over separation anxiety without doing that that's the thing you might do all that

and still not have a dog who's recovered but to give your dog the best chance of getting there

you absolutely do need to focus on that process. Error number three we get all caught up in confusing

variability with regression all right let me unpack that I see this an awful lot in my wonderful

wonderful separation anxiety heroes group my private membership with some of the most dedicated

owners you will ever find and they share their ups they share their downs we talk about highs

and lows and one of the most common issues and common reasons for people feeling deflated is

they will talk about their dog having a regression but it goes something like this last week he was

doing three minutes and this week we can't even get to 30 seconds without him freaking out oh

I just hate that we're in the middle of a massive regression and at that point I always dive in

and the reason I dive in is because that isn't a regression and and words do matter labels do matter

because when we talk about a regression in training we're talking about something significant

abnormal a progress stopping and something that makes us all feel really really down about the

training but what we're forgetting is when we have a dog who does three minutes this week and maybe

can only do 30 seconds who then might do get to five minutes in the next three weeks we're talking

about natural variability because learning is never a straight line ever ever ever and it's

especially not a straight line when we're trying to help a brain develop a non-fearful response

to something that it was previously fearful of so when you get those up and down times particularly

early on in training because you see this an awful lot in those first you know five minutes ten minutes

when you see those ups and downs just remind yourself that is normal perfectly normal

variability you have not hit a wall you have not regressed your dog hasn't regressed you're just

witnessing the variability of learning the learning that doesn't follow a nice neat straight line

now if you have got to an hour and your dog has been able to ace an hour for several weeks and

training was just sticking along really nicely and your dog was so solid at those higher durations

then all of a sudden from nowhere your dog can't even do a minute and this continues and it

continues on if that happened then let's talk about a regression because that is more significant

that isn't well whilst it's normal and natural it isn't just regular variability so we'll talk

about that when it happens but if you're getting differences in those early durations or even if

you're at an hour and then you go back to 50 minutes for a couple of weeks those aren't

regressions those are just variabilities in the rate of progression so don't let labels like

regression make you feel crushed because more often than not we're just witnessing natural

variability and regressions do happen they're similar to what we might call a relapse in human

therapy so dogs can seem like they've recovered and then not anymore and then all of a sudden

they can't cope and that does happen and the main reason that happens is that when we get a dog to

be less fearful of something that it was previously scared of we now know based on research that's

come out in the last couple of decades that we don't erase the old memories they stay there the

old association stays there when we do gradual exposure training to the thing that the dog is

scared of or the human if we're working with a human then we're creating a new association and

our hope with all of the training is that we create a much stronger new association but the

old association stays there and it can be triggered again so yes regressions can happen but that

difference in those times particularly early on early on not regression just natural and normal

variability so promise me you'll look at that differently next time you hit those differences

in times. Okay error number four we let the clock run what do I mean by that what am I talking about

okay so back in the day the way that some trainers approach separation anxiety training was they

would get you to go out of the door for a certain amount of time you'd record the time and then as

soon as what you would wait for your dog to get upset you'd record the time and then come back

and then you do that in the next session and then the next session and so what you're doing is every

time you do that at least part of that session your dog was getting upset because you come back

when you realize your dog is anxious your dog was probably anxious before you saw the sign so

you're quite knuckling it you're kind of hanging on every session pushing your dog to the edge and

we talked about how gradual exposure is all about exposure at a non-scary level

so if your dog is scared even for that last minute even for the last 10 seconds that was not

a successful departure. What really matters in separation anxiety training isn't actually the

time on the clock and I know that sounds weird because we want the two hours we want to be able

to do something for two hours or 30 minutes or whatever so of course we're focused on the clock

but what matters when you do the training is that you repeat a successful departure over and over

and over every single time you get out of that door with success without your dog getting upset

and you get back before they get upset you've helped create that new association that I was

just talking about and you help to override the old one if however you white knuckle it and let

the clock run what have you just done you've just said actually you know what being on your own is

scary old association has been brought back into play now I know it's tempting I know especially

when they're doing really well it might say 3 minutes 15 seconds you might have set that as

your target duration but your dog's doing really well it's so tempting to have a look and see but

you risk them not being okay you risk them going from 3 minutes 15 to 5 minutes and then suddenly

being upset at 6 minutes so don't get greedy it's perfectly normal and natural to feel that way we've

all done it but if you think your dog can do longer than 3 minutes 15 seconds maybe you suspect they

could do 7 minutes the best way to get from 3 minutes to 7 minutes if you think your dog can

really ace a much higher time than you're currently working to the best way to do that is to work

incrementally now if you don't know what I mean you're wondering what I'm talking about with

training plans you can find more information on these in my books in the Be Right Back series

either the original book which is more for adult dogs or the puppy separation anxiety edition where

I talk about incremental training plans don't do an exercise where you completely abandon the target

duration start an exercise with a target duration in mind and stick with that the only time you're

not going to stick with that is if your dog gets upset beforehand and then you're going to come

back you absolutely will come back then but don't fall don't succumb to the temptation of just

watching and waiting and seeing because it will trip you up in the end white knuckling does not

lead to a successful foundation and it does not help show your dog that being alone is safe all

right so no letting the clock run number five error number five we do some weird maths in our

head about how long it's going to take our dogs to get over this again something I see a lot of my

owners do and perfectly understandable I've been there too and it stems from the fact that when we

start out training in fact that the thing that you're going to spend most time on is either just

being able to get out the door or maybe working up to your first minute you'll spend a disproportionate

amount of time on the very very very lowest levels of the the smallest target durations you just will

and so if you get to a minute after a month which is not a bad time actually um yeah getting to a

minute after a month is pretty common for most dogs if that's you and that's your dog don't then

say okay if it took us a minute to get to a month what are we talking about to get to two hours

don't do that math because it doesn't work like that it will take you longer to get from 30 seconds

to a minute then it will take you to get from an hour to an hour and 30 for most dogs for the vast

majority of us now that's not to say that progress is predictable because we'll often see dogs go

through a sticky patch even when they seem like they're making really good progress sometimes you

know dog that's on an hour will spend a long time getting from an hour to an hour and 10 minutes but

overall the vast majority of time is spent on those lower durations notwithstanding a couple

of sticky patches later on those early durations are where you will invest your training time so

don't do a calculation because it will not help you number six we set hard and fast deadlines

and why wouldn't we we are prisoners in our own homes we haven't been able to

lead our lives for the longest time much as we love our dogs we want a life too so why wouldn't

we set a deadline we've been called back to the office school's starting soon we haven't

been to the gym in forever and we're getting really unfit so yeah we want to start that class

in january well unfortunately this kind of learning doesn't work to those kind of deadlines i mean

with most learning actually for dogs it's really hard to predict a deadline but if you're teaching

a puppy to sit you can probably be fairly certain you could teach a puppy to sit basic

a basic sit in an afternoon and a fairly advanced certain different distracted places

in a few days but overcoming fear helping a brain create new associations that's for a start it's a

long-term process and for another thing it isn't a straight line and we talked about that so what

can you expect in terms of recovery how long will it take you i used to say we don't know how long

it's going to take every dog is different and it depends on a variety of factors and that is true

every dog is different and as we talked about earlier in this episode you can do all the right

things with some dogs and they don't get over separation anxiety so it is an unpredictable

process however i now no longer say that because i feel that's a fudge to say we don't really know

we do know i've seen plenty of dogs now and i know that six months is a really good time to get

a dog to say a couple of hours and i think i find for a lot of owners two hours seems to be the you

know if i could just get two hours it's the magic magic time if i could just just get two hours i

can do something you've got your dog from you can't leave the house without him freaking to

he can do two hours and and he's fine in six months you'd be doing really really well now

i don't want you to feel crestfallen i don't want you to feel flattened by that

but i don't want to lie to you either i don't want to lie to you and say we don't really know

we do know it's not weeks it's usually not months it's multiple months and a year is not a long time

in separation anxiety training so what can you do if you don't set deadlines well you can

focus on the process we talked about that you can celebrate the wins and let's talk about that

because that's that's often error well it is error number seven and that's that we often forget to

focus on how far we've come and we don't celebrate wins so instead of looking at hard and fast

deadlines i need my dog to be okay by x time just keep focusing on the process and we talked about

that don't chop and change because that's going to take you further away from your goal further

away from your i just want two hours and don't fall foul of forgetting to celebrate and focus

on how far you have actually come so look back at your training records and make sure you are

keeping training records by the way my separation anxiety heroes get to use my training app and a

big part of that is recognizing the wins and celebrating them with badges with progress

charts because otherwise it's easier just to remember this week and how hard the training was

this week so focus on how far you've come celebrate the wins as you go along and set yourself free

from deadlines and from unrealistic goals because they will stop you from training and i am so

passionate that if you stick with this process of gradual exposure to the scary thing of alone

time you are giving your dog the absolute best chance he's got of overcoming separation anxiety

and that's why i don't want anything to trip you up and that's why i started this brand new series

with the errors that i see people making because i don't want you to get tripped up i think you

can do this i think you can stick with this but you do need to make sure that you're not falling

into any of the traps that are out there for us all right that's it from me for this episode

so i want to wish you good luck with your training this week i know it's hard i know it's unrelenting

and it's not fun but just remember that when done well there's a really good chance that this is

going to give you and your dog the freedom from fear and the freedom to do what you want that you

both so desperately crave i look forward to seeing you on the next episode thank you so much for

listening to this episode of the be right back separation anxiety podcast if you want to find

out more about how i can help you further head over to julienasmith.com meanwhile if you enjoyed

listening today i would love it if you would head over to wherever you listen to your podcast

and consider rating my show thanks so much good luck with that training and bye for now