Is Separation Anxiety Training Actually Futile? No. Here's Why

Now yesterday, I had one of my regular Zoom coaching calls with members of my Separation

Anxiety Heroes group.

And one of the topics that came up was whether training, whether separation anxiety training

was actually futile.

Now why did that come up in a group coaching call where we're talking all about how to

make training work?

Well, it was because we were discussing the fact, and I was fully transparent about this,

that while gradual exposure to alone time, which is the method that I use, it's a tried

and trusted method, while it works for the vast majority of dogs, a really good number

of dogs, there are some dogs who just don't respond to that type of training.

In fact, they just don't respond at all, and they end up never recovering from separation

anxiety.

Don't despair.

You're listening to this and you're thinking, oh my goodness, that's my dog.

Actually, that's one of the themes of yesterday too.

I think when we hear that, we always think that's going to be my dog.

Anyway, so then somebody said, and I think very fairly, well, what's the point?

If my dog is going to be one of those dogs that's not going to recover, am I just wasting

my time?

Well, you won't be surprised to hear that I dived in with different thoughts on why

it isn't futile and why I am really passionate that it is something that's worth doing.

And I wanted to share those reasons with you and share those thoughts with you in this

podcast.

So tune in to find out why separation anxiety training isn't futile, and my top three reasons

to back that up.

Hello and welcome to the Be Right Back separation anxiety podcast.

Hi, I'm Julie Naismith, dog trainer, author, and full-on separation anxiety geek.

I've helped thousands of dogs overcome separation anxiety with my books, my online programs,

my trainer certification, and my separation anxiety training app.

And this podcast is all about sharing my tips and tricks to help you teach your dog how

to be happy at home alone too.

Now whether you are deep into separation anxiety training, or whether you're just standing

on the edges kind of looking at what everybody else is doing and thinking, oh my goodness,

I can't do that, that just seems overwhelming, it seems too challenging, or maybe it just

seems like really dull, because frankly, it's not the most exciting thing that you'll ever

do with your dog.

So whether you're feeling the weight of doing separation anxiety training, or maybe perhaps

you haven't even started doing separation anxiety training because it just seems too

much, then you might be thinking, is it even worth it?

Should I even bother?

And a quick refresh on how separation anxiety training works, we use a method that's based

on the way that we treat phobias in human patients.

We gradually expose the brain, in our case, we expose dogs to a gradual and increasing

amount of alone time.

And then by facing their fear, or facing the thing that used to cause fear, the brain develops

a different and better response.

But you have to go slowly, and you have to do it in short increments, so the times that

you expose your dog to can never be long, and they can never be a stretch.

They have to be only as long as your dog can cope with, and sometimes those times can be

really short.

So yeah, you do a lot of training, and everybody who's ever got their dog over separation anxiety

with gradual exposure has done a lot of training.

It's not the only condition.

If you do a lot of training, your dog will definitely get over separation anxiety, or

how I wish it was, but it's a necessary condition.

And hence the conversation we were having yesterday.

What if I'm doing all this training?

What if I'm going in and out of the door over and over and over?

What if I'm going and sitting in my car for five minutes every night, over and over, because

we're now at five minutes, and I can get to the car, but I can't go any further?

What if I'm doing this stuff, and it's all pointless?

What if my dog is one of those dogs who's never going to recover?

Well, that's such a valid concern.

Nobody wants to waste their time.

Nobody wants to think that they're doing this thing, and there's always an opportunity cost.

Whenever we decide to do something, we're saying yes to that thing and no to something

else.

So what if we're just completely wasting our time?

Well, I don't think you are.

But if you've ever found yourself having these thoughts, let's just go through three reasons

why you're not, and why it's not a futile effort, but also why it's okay to think that.

Let's start with my first reason, and that's that we need to think about the risk versus

the reward.

I mean, like lots of things in life, there's no guarantee of success here.

Lots of people do the lottery, which costs not only money, but time, because you have

to buy a ticket.

And for most people, the vast majority of people, they're not going to be successful.

Most people end up out of pocket when they do the lottery.

Maybe they'll get small wins here and there, but there's no guarantee of success.

And that's like lots of things that we take part in.

There's no guarantee that we'll be successful, but we do it anyway.

And sometimes we do things because we think they're worthwhile, or sometimes we do things

because, like the lottery, we're addicted to the fact that there might be a good outcome.

And separation anxiety training is not like that.

It definitely falls into the dull but worthy category.

There's no instant hits when you're doing separation anxiety training.

But of course, there is that risk, that you do the training, and your dog is one of those

dogs that won't recover.

But even though that risk-reward seems quite stark, you do all the training and your dog

doesn't recover, I would also argue that without the risk, there is no reward.

So you won't know if your dog will recover from separation anxiety unless you do the

training.

You won't know if your dog will recover from separation anxiety if you stop the training

and never restart it.

So there is a risk, but there is a potential reward.

And the chances of your dog getting over separation anxiety are significantly higher

than you winning the lottery.

But also, even though the big reward that we want from doing separation anxiety training

is we want to be able to leave our dog for two hours or three hours or four hours or

whatever is going to be life-changing for us, but there's also other rewards along the

way.

You might have noticed that the more that you do separation anxiety training, the more

your dog gets comfortable with you going out of the door, even if it's for short amounts

of time.

You might have noticed that your dog starts to follow you less around the house.

You might have noticed that they become more comfortable with other people.

You might have got to the stage where you can't go out for three hours, but you can

at least take the rubbish out, take the garbage out.

You can at least pop to the store or the shop.

So it might not be the three or four or life-changing amount that you're looking for, but you're

still being rewarded.

There are still benefits.

There are still positive changes.

So don't always think about this in terms of it's not working unless I'm at four hours.

If you look harder, you're probably seeing changes and benefits that maybe you're overlooking

because you're so focused on that big prize.

So the risk reward is there.

And if you never take the risk, you won't ever get the reward.

All right, moving on to reason number two, and this is that you're either winning or

you're learning.

So the training isn't futile because you're either winning or you're learning when you're

doing the training.

And as you journey through separation anxiety training with your dog, every time you do

an exercise, every time you look at your dog and really examine what they're doing, you

become more and more of an expert in your dog.

You'll learn to read their body language like a book.

You'll spot things that you didn't use to spot.

You'll recognize the tiniest, tiniest micro behaviors that give you a wealth of information

about what's going on inside your dog's head and which is priceless.

And that knowledge, that learning about what's going on with your dog is invaluable in different

situations.

So you're not just learning about your dog in the context of separation anxiety.

But when you start to realize that, for example, this one's quite common, lots of people worry

about their dog's licking lips.

And it is important to look out for dogs licking their lips if they're doing it excessively,

if they're doing it repeatedly out of context, and especially if they do it over and over

again during separation anxiety training, then it's something to start to be concerned

about.

But it's also a natural behavior.

And if you've never done this before, watch your dog when they yawn.

Because many dogs, I'd say the majority of dogs, when they yawn, there's often a lip

lick that kind of comes at the end of the yawn.

It's almost as if it's all part of the yawning process.

So look at your dog next when they're sleepy and they do yawn, and see if you can spot

that lip lick.

Why does that matter?

Well, because yawns and lip licks, so not just lip licks, but also yawns, are often

seen as immediate signs for concern and alarm by people.

Oh my goodness, my dog yawned, so my dog must have been stressed.

Well, yes, I mean, it could be stress, it could be a little bit of tension.

It could also be, especially when you're doing separation anxiety training, that your

dog is on the bed, on their bed, or on your bed, or on the sofa, and they're kind of like,

ugh, she's doing that really dull thing again.

And it's boring.

And when you get really good at doing separation anxiety training, when it's advancing, your

dog does start to go, ugh, okay, I'm just going to go and have 40 winks.

And so they're sleepier, which is brilliant, because when they're sleepy, what are they

going to do?

They're going to yawn.

I mean, we don't need dogs to be asleep when we're doing separation anxiety training.

They don't even need to be on a bed, they can be by the door.

But you will see more and more as you go through the training that they become kind of drowsier.

They do go into a much more kind of less active state.

And so it's not surprising, then, that those dogs yawn.

And if you've got a dog who, like most dogs, when they do a big sleepy yawn, they do a

lip lick at the end of it, then you now know that if there's a context where your dog is

kind of looking a little bit sleepy during separation anxiety training, you now know

that the yawn isn't a worry.

And you also know that the lip lick isn't a worry, because we've got perfectly in context

behaviours.

We've got a yawn, because we've got a sleepier dog, or a more kind of drowsier dog who's

thinking about having 40 winks, and they do a lip lick afterwards, because that's normal

for them.

So outside of separation anxiety training, go and have a look at that one.

That's just an aside.

But there are many, many things that happen during separation anxiety training in terms

of your dog's body language that are just like golden in terms of you learning about

your dog.

So even if you've not had a fantastic week progressing with separation anxiety training,

I bet you've learned something.

I bet you've learned something about your dog, or about the training.

And that phrase, you're either winning or you're learning, is one of my favourite quotes,

and it's from Nelson Mandela.

I feel like it should be the motto for everybody doing separation anxiety training, because

it is so true.

So no, not futile, because you're learning.

And a side note on these behaviours, and what's normal for your dog, and what's right in context,

how do you assess that?

Well, you go and have a look at your dog outside of training too.

So I was talking about the yawn.

Have a look at your dog when they're sleepy.

So not in training, but when they're sleepy, when they're on their bed, when you know they're

in a really sleepy state, and see if they yawn, see if they do a lip lick afterwards.

And it's the same with any behaviour that you're concerned about in training.

Do you see it at other times too?

Because your dog's real baseline is what they do outside of the training, and then in training

you're comparing that behaviour, or any behaviour you see, to, is that normal for my dog?

So you're either winning or you're learning, and you're especially learning about your

dog's body language.

Definitely not a futile endeavour at all.

Okay, and finally, my reason number three.

The potential regret of not training.

So no, I don't think training is futile, because not training could leave you with a sense

of, coulda shoulda.

What would it have been like had I done separation anxiety training?

And I tell you, I work with lots of people who think about doing the training, and then

maybe they don't get to it, or they were going to do it this week, but something happened,

and then another thing happened, and a year later, they still haven't done the training.

But then they start the training, and they start to see progress, and it's very motivating,

and everybody thinks, oh, I wish I'd started sooner.

So there's always a downside to not doing something.

So even if you're in that moment where you're thinking, oh, am I wasting my time doing separation

anxiety training?

How would you feel if you just didn't do it at all?

Wouldn't you feel like things could be different?

Wouldn't you feel like you might be making a change with your dog?

And the way that our brains work, often we regret the chances we didn't take more than

the ones we did.

And even if we didn't succeed when we did that thing, when we took that chance, then

we often feel regret.

We feel a kind of a nagging doubt or a thought in our head that says, there's a voice in

our head saying, oh, what would it have been like if I'd started training six months ago

or a year ago?

Where could my dog be now?

So we always tend to regret things that we haven't tried.

That means that you don't want to let the fear of futility or the fear of failure prevent

you from trying to get your dog over separation anxiety.

I know it's a lot of work, and I know that we all have a very, very limited amount of

time.

So if you're really, really worried about this becoming a futile exercise, and if I

haven't convinced you with my three reasons today that it really is worthwhile, what if

you didn't train as much?

What if you pegged it back?

What if you made the investment in training less than you currently invest in training?

What if you reduced the number of days you trained?

What if you reduced the amount of time that you trained for?

At least that way, if you're worried that you're wasting your time, you're spending

less time doing the training.

Now of course, we do need to do a lot of repetition to get dogs over their fear of being left.

We have to change that association that being left is scary, and we do that by repeatedly

sending a new message, it's okay, you handled it.

We do that by going in and out of the door.

But you can do less.

So if you're doing five times a week, and you're really going for it, and you're feeling

just like it's too much, do less.

Do a little bit.

And then that might make you feel like you're not wasting as much time.

I still don't think you are wasting time, but if you're feeling like you're wasting

time, maybe that will help.

So next time you feel that way, next time you think this is pointless, it's futile,

come back and listen to these three reasons.

Because I promise you, if your dog does get over separation anxiety, it is the best feeling

in the world.

I mean, my boy has been recovered for some time now, and I still get a thrill.

I can still feel joy when I come back through the door, and I realize he hardly even noticed

that I'd gone.

And then when he wakes up, and he's like over the moon, and he can't wait to see me, that

fills me with joy as well.

But the coming back to a dog who really wasn't bothered that you left, when you had a dog

with separation anxiety, and you can now come back to a dog who can be left, that never

ever gets old.

And I want that for you so badly.

Okay, that's it for today.

Thank you so much for joining me.

I know you've got lots of options when it comes to podcasts, but I hope this has helped.

Good luck with your training, and I'll catch you online soon.

Bye for now.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Be Right Back Separation Anxiety Podcast.

If you want to find out more about how I can help you further, head over to juliemaysmith.com.

Meanwhile, if you enjoyed listening today, I would love it if you would head over to

wherever you listen to your podcasts and consider rating my show.

Thanks so much.

Good luck with that training, and bye for now.

Bye.