Ten Things I'd Tell My Younger Self About My Dog's Separation Anxiety

So, in thinking about what I wanted to cover in the 100th episode of the Be Right Back

podcast, I couldn't help but look back, of course I'm going to look back, it's the 100th

episode.

I'm thinking, yeah, looking back over all the stuff I've done with separation anxiety.

And one thing popped into my head and it was, what do I wish I had known?

Because I really hope that the Separation Anxiety podcast has helped you, has given

you information that you didn't have before.

And I hope it's given you information that it's the sort of thing that, the sort of information

that I wish I'd had.

That's one of the things I've always tried to do whenever I'm working with people with

dogs with separation anxiety.

I've always had at the back of my mind or at the front of my mind, all the things that

I wish I had known.

So then it became obvious, I thought, okay, that's what the 100th episode is about.

That's what I'll do.

I want to go back and I want to have a conversation with a previous version of me or the same

version, but only before I knew Percy had separation anxiety.

So going back 12 years, an old version of me that was clueless about what you do when

you've got a dog with separation anxiety.

And that's why in today's episode, I'm going to cover the 10 things that I would tell that

person, tell that version of me back when the 10 things that I think that I should have

known that if I had known everything would have been different and probably a lot easier.

So let's dive in and have a look at those 10 things I wish I had known and what I would

tell my old self now.

Number one, your dog isn't being a difficult dog.

I wish somebody had told me that because in fact, I got the opposite.

I got lots of comments about how other people's dogs were easy, or at the time I had two dogs.

I had India and Percy and everybody just thought India was the dream.

India was the dream and Percy was a difficult one.

But now I know, and this is what you should know about your dog as well, that all those

people telling me I had a difficult dog, and maybe me even thinking I had a difficult

dog, weren't seeing it from the right perspective.

Percy wasn't, isn't a difficult dog, but back then he was a dog who was having a really

difficult time, difficult days.

He was struggling.

And I wish I could go back and tell myself from the me from 12 years ago, I wish I could

go back and tell her that it was harder for him, it really was harder for him than it

was for you.

Now it felt impossible for me, suddenly discovering I had a dog that I couldn't leave, getting

in trouble with neighbours, not being able to do anything or go anywhere.

Having to leave him sometimes, it was difficult for me, but I'm pretty sure knowing what I

now know, that it was harder for him.

Because what I went through were challenges, were problems, frustrations, first world problems

if you like.

No, maybe not, because having a dog you can't leave and feeling totally conflicted about

that and isolating yourself from friends or burning money on daycare when your daycare

ends up being almost as big as your mortgage and you're left with no disposable income

every month.

Yeah, those are challenging.

But I wasn't scared, I wasn't panicking, I wasn't in a state, I wasn't phobic about the

situation.

I was just dealing with tough decisions.

But Percy was panicking, Percy was frightened.

And that's why I say I want to go back and tell myself it was harder for him.

As hard as it was for you, it was hard.

It was harder for him and he was not a difficult dog and he isn't a difficult dog.

So the second thing, number two, I'd like to go back and tell myself some days you might

resent him or you might resent his condition or you might conflate the two and resent him

because of his condition.

But that doesn't mean I want to tell myself, my old self.

I want to tell her that that doesn't mean you don't love him.

You can hate having a dog with separation anxiety and be madly in love with your dog.

And in fact, the more that you love your dog, the harder it becomes.

Now I think everybody who has a dog with separation anxiety loves their dog.

And actually that's the reason why it's so hard for us.

And certainly if you're listening to this podcast, there's a really good chance you're

listening to this because your heart is so full.

You do adore your dog.

And the reason you just can't walk out the door and leave your dog isn't just because

the neighbors are going to get cross with you.

It's because you can't do that to your dog.

But that doesn't mean to say that you can't feel frustrated or resentful or overwhelmed

or just angry.

Maybe not even angry at your dog, but just angry at the world.

Angry at the cards you've been dealt because everybody else seems to have a dog who can

be left.

How did you end up here?

And I just want my old self to know it's okay to feel those mixed emotions.

It doesn't mean that you ever stop loving your dog.

It just means that you're human.

And if you feel like that today, if you think, I absolutely adore my dog, but I can't cope

with this situation, I don't want to be in this situation, just let's just know that's

completely normal.

I mean, who amongst us really puts our hand up and says, I want to have a dog with separation

anxiety.

There are a few angels who will adopt a dog with separation anxiety, but for the most

part you ended up with a dog who had separation anxiety, who has separation anxiety, and you

didn't know about it.

So it's really human to feel the conflict between, I adore my dog, but I don't love

this situation.

In fact, I hate this situation.

And if that ends up meaning that every now and again you feel resentful, that's okay.

You're human.

Forgive yourself for that.

Okay.

Number three, I'd like to go back and tell myself, tell the old me that you will survive

this.

That's what I want to tell her.

I want to tell her that you will survive this.

And I certainly feel like that today.

But of course it's easier looking back than it is looking forward.

Back then I thought things would never change.

I felt lost.

I felt overwhelmed.

I felt confused.

Oh, all the things, all the things that I think you know and you experience now.

And if you've got a dog who had separation anxiety, so if you're like me now and you

can now leave your dog, didn't it feel that way to you as well?

Didn't you think this is never going to change?

I just cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel.

And I bet you wish somebody had told you, or I bet you wish you believed it, even if

somebody did tell you, that you will get through it and that you will survive it.

Because when you're in it, and if this is you right now, if you are in it, if you are

experiencing every day, what am I going to do about my dog?

How am I going to do the separation anxiety training?

What even is separation anxiety training?

If that's you right now, hand on heart, you will survive it.

It just doesn't feel like that in the moment.

Number four, I definitely, definitely wish my old self knew this.

Everyone you know is going to have an opinion about your dog.

Everyone's going to have an opinion about separation anxiety.

They will give you unsolicited opinion, tons of advice that really isn't advice, it's just

stuff that they think based on I don't know what.

But you will get a bucket load of it, and I certainly did.

And I wish somebody had prepared me for that.

I wish somebody had prepared me for the everyone's an expert in separation anxiety.

Once you have a dog with separation anxiety, everybody around you is an expert.

I also would love to go back to old me and say, but just stand firm, because there's

a big difference between opinion and advice, and you need to get really good at filtering

out the information, it's not even information, but filtering out what people say that really

is just their opinion, because they've got a dog who didn't have a problem with separation

anxiety, so of course they're an expert in separation anxiety, or they've read a couple

of blogs, or they've seen a video on TikTok.

It's not advice, it's not trusted advice, it's just opinion.

So I wish I could have given my old self more confidence 13 years ago to just start to know

and really question what's the difference between good advice and unsolicited opinion,

that I was not prepared for how everybody suddenly became an expert, and if you're right

in the middle of dealing with separation anxiety, you know what I mean.

And linked to that, number five, let's continue talking about friends and family, because

I am not dismissing everybody in my life.

I had a ton of support, I really did, and even support from people who, you know, honestly

didn't get it.

So in some ways I had more respect for the people who supported me even though they didn't

understand what was going on, but lots of your friends and family, I wish I could go

back and tell my old self this, lots of your friends and family will never get it.

You can explain it, you can set it out as clearly as you want, you can send them articles,

you can give them whatever you want, you can give them as much information as you've got,

all the information you've got, and they still won't get it.

They might say that they do, but plenty of them will still not get it.

Now I am lucky, I did have some people who started off in the camp of, I don't know what's

going on here, that's ridiculous, why would you do that, it's just a dog, and helped me

and supported me and came round to the idea.

But there are plenty of people who I just stopped having conversations with.

Does that sound familiar?

You know, you're out for a drink with friends or you're having a coffee and somebody will

say, oh the five letter word that everybody with a dog with separation anxiety most hates,

doesn't still have separation anxiety, does he?

We're not still trying to get him over separation anxiety.

And I used to try and explain and get them round to my way of thinking and hope that

they'd understand my perspective and that they could stand in my shoes.

And then I gave up.

I really gave up.

Because it was like pushing water uphill with some people.

And so I just got really good at acknowledging that question, giving a teeny answer and then

completely moving on.

It's what politicians do all the time, by the way.

It's a really good trick.

Acknowledge bridge control.

So acknowledge the question, bridge it to somebody you want to talk about.

A really good way of doing that is to ask people a question.

Because everybody likes talking about themselves.

Don't ignore the question they just asked you, give the briefest of answers, turn it

round and ask them.

Now, let me give you an example.

So if they're saying, oh, a dog doesn't still have separation anxiety, do they?

You can just give a really quick, oh, well, you know, I'm working on it.

But hey, how's it been going with Barney's agility classes?

I hear he's been a complete rock star.

Tell me what he's been up to.

Right?

So most people are going to be very happy to talk about Barney's agility classes rather

than your dog's problem.

So just be ready for it.

You will always get that.

Your friends and family just might never be in the place that you're in.

They might never get it.

And that's okay.

And I wish my old self had known that.

Number six, so if I could go back, I would say to old Julie, you may well feel embarrassed

about this.

You'll feel so embarrassed at times that you won't be able to tell people that you can't

leave your dog.

You won't.

You'll make up an excuse.

You'll make up any excuse that you can't go out rather than say, I can't leave my dog

because you've said it so many times.

You've said it so many times to the people who just don't get it that you end up just

making up another excuse because it's just less embarrassing.

And also, you get to the stage where, particularly in more formal context, like work for example,

if you have to leave the office at 5.30 and you're working in a profession where nobody

leaves the office at 5.30, it's impossible.

It's hard enough for parents of kids to walk out saying, I've got to go and pick the kids

up from daycare.

But to say that about a dog, so I did feel embarrassed.

I wish there'd been more empathy and I think it links to number five, that people just

don't get it.

They think your dog is just a dog.

What's the fuss?

Or they think that you're making the fuss.

They think that, this is ridiculous, either your dog doesn't have a problem and you're

making it up, you're inventing a problem, you're seeing a problem that's not there,

or you just need to get tough because it's just a dog.

But you need to know, and I wish I could tell my old self this, there isn't anything to

feel ashamed about.

There is no reason to feel shame for being there for a being who is suffering, right?

What's the shame in that?

What is the shame in saying, I will not let my dog suffer?

There's no shame in saying, I will not let my dog suffer, okay?

So I want my old self to have known that and I want you to know that now.

If you're saying no to things, if you're skipping out early on things, if you're spending your

days trying to work out what you're going to do with your dog, it's because you don't

want your dog to suffer.

And there is absolutely no shame in that.

Don't let anybody make you feel any shame.

There's no shame in doing the right thing.

Number seven.

Oh, old Julie, I wish you'd have known this one.

I say this to people all the time, it's not your fault.

And that for me, having to tell everybody that's got a dog with separation anxiety that

it's not their fault, I think really stems from the fact that I thought that.

I definitely thought I'd done something wrong.

Well, everybody was telling me, you know, their dog was easy to leave or, you know,

you can't, he's not still working on trying to find a way to leave your dog.

So I thought, well, if everybody else's dog is fine, goodness me, what have I done wrong?

And the only saving grace in all of that, in all of that worry about, oh my goodness,

did I create this problem?

Was that at the time, I had a dog who was older, it's a Percy sister, India.

She's 14 now, he's 13 and a bit.

And she was just so easy, I never had a problem leaving her.

So on the one hand, I was getting the whole, it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your

fault, you must've done something.

I was like, hang on a minute, I've done nothing different with India than Percy.

No, no, really nothing.

I couldn't even think of one incident.

They were just, they are just wired differently.

And yeah, you know, if I had gone out and left him for a year, just howling and howling,

despite knowing he had separation anxiety, then maybe I could feel a little bit of guilt.

But actually I did the opposite.

As soon as I knew he couldn't be left, I did what I needed to do.

I stopped him from having those panicky experiences, which is what you are doing now.

So stop it, stop feeling guilty.

Oh no, it's easy to say.

And you know, if somebody had been saying to me 13 years ago, stop feeling guilty, I

probably would have replied, well, that's easy to say, but it's my emotion.

I just want to put it out there though, because I want you to try and process it.

I don't expect you to come to the end of this podcast and go, oh, well, yeah, don't

feel, I don't feel a guilt at all anymore.

You probably, you probably still feel guilty.

I know you will.

But I want you to start processing it.

Ask yourself, is that a helpful feeling?

Is it valid to say that I feel guilt, that I'm guilty?

Sorry, is it valid to say that I cause my dog separation anxiety?

Is it valid for you to say that or actually is that just a really unhelpful thought?

And if it's an unhelpful thought, can you start to let go of it and instead say, I'm

doing everything I can.

I did everything I could.

I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had.

That's also really important.

I was thinking about somebody who joined my separation anxiety heroes group recently,

and she'd been amazing.

Her and her partner had been amazing.

They'd read a lot about puppies and they'd heard that you shouldn't let puppies cry out.

And she said to me, but unfortunately, I missed the bit about how we should do short absences,

your short, safe, gentle absences.

And it's true that we don't want dogs to have or puppies to have really bad experiences

when they're, when puppies are going through a learning and evolving socialization period.

But we do want to expose them to safe amounts or safe exposure, safe context.

So, you know, the puppy that we know we want to be okay around other dogs, we don't take

it to the dog park and throw it in the middle of 10, 10 dogs brawling around.

We want to gently expose that puppy to dogs.

And then it's the same with alone time.

We want to gently expose puppies to alone time.

And this client had said, but I forgot, I didn't read that bit.

And she said, I feel guilty.

Right.

But you didn't have that knowledge.

Nobody told you.

It's like you read.

Oh my goodness.

I need to do this bit.

This gradual exposure with a puppy.

You didn't, you didn't know it.

So definitely don't feel guilty about knowledge that you didn't have.

You're not a dog professional.

You're not a dog behavior consultant.

You're just you trying to do the right thing for your dog.

Number eight.

Oh my goodness, this would have been, this would have been a difficult conversation to

have with old me.

But I wish old me knew this.

There isn't a quick fix.

There just isn't.

And the reason I wish my old self had known this is because I spent so long, I mean, there's

an irony in this.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time looking for a quick fix.

It doesn't make sense, does it?

I spent a long time trying to get a quick solution because I kept looking because I

kept trying because I kept buying.

And guess what?

Quick fix solutions don't work.

So I try one and it didn't work.

So then I try another one and it didn't work.

And while you're trying the new, the latest, the greatest quick fix that you've read about

or seen advertised, you're waiting, you're waiting to find out that it doesn't work.

And then you try another one and it's endless.

I mean, that's the irony.

You look for a quick fix and you stall the process of trying to get your dog over separation

anxiety.

So yeah, it would have been a hard conversation to have because I definitely, like everybody,

of course it's human nature.

We want things to get better quickly, but there's no quick fix.

There is though, and the reason, not only did I want to get a quick fix, but another

big reason why I kept looking for stuff was because I didn't know that there was anything

out there.

I mean, I can't explain to you how little knowledge there was on separation anxiety

in 2010.

It just, compared to what you've got access to now, and you probably even think now there's

not a lot of stuff out there, but oh my goodness, there was just nothing, nothing.

So I didn't know that there was an evidence-based method.

I didn't know that since the 80s, some trainers and vet behaviorists have been talking about

a process called desensitization to help dogs be home alone.

In fact, the first paper that I came across, since I've been geeking out on separation

anxiety, because it's now my whole world, the earliest paper I can find comes from the

80s, all about desensitizing dogs to alone time, and very similar to the method that

we talk about today, but I didn't know that.

I didn't know any of that existed.

So yeah.

So I guess I wish I knew those two things.

One, there's no quick fix, but there is an approach, it's evidence-based, but yeah, it's

going to take a bit of time.

Number nine.

All right, old self, don't give up.

Don't give up.

Don't give up on your dreams.

Don't give up on your dreams of having a dog who can be left.

Don't give up on your dog, and don't give up on yourself.

Don't think that you're not up to this.

Don't think you can't do this.

Don't give up.

Sure, I have down days, yes, I have days when you just think that it's never going to work.

And if you are doing the training, and this is me when I eventually started it, I didn't

know there'd be ups and downs, so I assumed that one bad day meant it was all off.

But yeah, I wish somebody said to me, there will be ups and downs, and that's just so

normal, and don't give up.

You can always come back to it when it gets overwhelming.

But back then, I didn't have any support whatsoever, except my husband.

We were trying to piece together this process, this decentralization and gradual exposure

to the scary thing, based on a couple of page leaflet here, and half a blog article there,

where there really was just no information.

And that made it harder as well.

So not only are we trying to work out this method for ourselves, but we're not in a group

of 70,000 people, like my Facebook support group for separation anxiety owners.

There was nothing there.

That's actually why I founded that group, because I felt so lonely and isolated.

There was nobody around who was going through what I was going through, or so I thought.

But of course, there had to have been, because we know that plenty of dogs get separation

anxiety, but it just felt like we were on our own.

And that made it harder.

And no wonder there were times when we wanted to give up.

So if you feel like giving up right now, because you're in the middle of this, and you're like,

yeah, I feel completely done with this, I feel so overwhelmed, lean into a community.

Definitely join my free Facebook group if you can.

Or find people in your local network.

It's harder, because it tends to be something that you're not going to necessarily meet

somebody at the dog tricks class.

But if you're working with a trainer, maybe ask them if they've got a group or someone

you can connect with.

So definitely lean in.

Get help and advice if you can.

And just remind yourself that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Now in the introduction to this, I said I was going to try not to get emotional in this

podcast, which is a pretty big ask of myself.

Myself today or myself from 13 years ago.

Anybody who knows me, if you've watched any of my Facebook lives or listen to other podcasts,

you'll know I have a tendency to get quite emotional.

And I said I wouldn't.

But let's finish off on number 10.

Because I wish I could have gone back and said to old Julie, you know what?

You're going to mess up.

You will.

You will.

You'll try to do your best for Percy, but you will mess up.

See, I told you I'd get emotional.

But here's the thing.

He's never going to stop loving you.

Yep.

No matter, no matter how much you mess up, no matter how many times you think he's OK,

but he's not OK, he'll never stop loving you.

And I would love my old self to know when it got tough, when I was thinking there

was no hope and it was just too much, I would have, I would have liked to remind myself

that you will never experience the love, like the love of a dog with separation anxiety.

I mean, yeah, it's off the charts.

Sure, it's over.

It's overbearing.

Yeah.

And the clinginess can just drive you up the wall.

But honestly, they are special dogs.

I wish I could have told my old self as well that this, he will teach you so much.

He will teach you more about the science of how dogs learn than you could ever imagine.

He will teach you more about yourself than you could ever, ever know was possible.

More than any job or any coaching or anything that you've ever had before.

He will teach you more about the inner you than you could ever, ever conceive of.

And for me, well, I wish I could have gone back and told Julie 2020, Julie 2010,

your life is going to change beyond recognition.

You know, I've gone from working in a corporate office job to helping dogs around the world

get over separation anxiety, making a difference, having a purpose.

And I could not feel more blessed.

And had I known that, wow, but I also would have told myself that, you know, in embrace

the time, it will go quickly.

I know you just want to fast forward through all the hardship and all the struggle.

But before you know it, he's going to be 13.

And one day and one day, see, I said I wasn't going to get emotional.

Of course I am.

I knew I would.

And one day, one day, he's going to leave a huge, a huge Percy, Percy shaped hole in

your heart.

And you're going to be so happy.

He's going to leave a huge, a huge Percy, Percy shaped hole in your heart.

So that's it.

Those are the 10 things that I wish I could go back and tell my old self.

I hope they've been helpful to you.

I hope they're helpful to you, whether it's something that you've gone through and you've

now got a dog you can leave or whether you're struggling still to get your dog over separation

anxiety.

And thank you for listening.

I know you've got lots of options for listening to podcasts, so I appreciate you taking the

time to listen to me today.

And I look forward to you joining me on the next episode.

Bye for now.