How to Take the Pressure off and Prevent Training Burnout

In the last episode I talked about what you should do if you feel like giving up, but

in this episode on a kind of similar theme, all about helping you through when it gets

difficult, I want to talk to you about what you should do or what can help when you don't

want to give up, even though you feel like giving up, but you just feel burnt out and

you feel like the pressure is too much.

So that's why in this week's episode we're tackling my 5 tips to help you feel less burnt

out about the training so that hopefully you don't want to give up.

Hello and welcome to the Be Right Back Separation Anxiety Podcast.

Hi I'm Julie Naismith, dog trainer, author and full on separation anxiety geek.

I've helped thousands of dogs overcome separation anxiety with my books, my online programs,

my trainer certification and my Separation Anxiety Training App.

And this podcast is all about sharing my tips and tricks to help you teach your dog how

to be happy at home alone too.

Let's dive in.

First of all, my first tip for you if you're feeling burnt out by this training is stop

thinking about an end goal.

I mentioned this a bit in the last episode and it's such an important point.

I know that kind of seems weird because after all the reason you're doing separation anxiety

training is so that you can get your dog to be able to be alone for a reasonable amount

of time.

And I find that everybody's goal here can be slightly different.

Some people are thinking it's got to be 6 hours because that's how it's going to work

with my work day, we're going to get somebody to come in at lunchtime.

And so I need my dog to be able to do the 6 hours between when I leave in the morning

and when I get the pet sitter or the dog walker to come in at lunchtime.

Okay, but for other people it's 2 hours or maybe even an hour.

Wherever you're at, you've probably got a time in mind where you say, you know, if I

can just get X time, if I can just get an hour, it means I can go to the gym.

If I can just get 2 hours, it means I can go round to my mum's for lunch next weekend

even though I can't take my dog because of the cats.

So whatever that time is, you've probably got a goal like that in your head.

And I'm not saying don't have those dreams because the dreams are what keep us going

often.

But sometimes, often times, those big goals actually hold us back.

And they hold us back because they can seem so far away.

And they hold us back because of the pressure it piles on us.

If you're working to 6 minutes with your dog's separation anxiety training but your ultimate

goal is 6 hours, you can just feel so overwhelmed and so far off and so crushed by the thought

of how long it might take you that you just feel like you never want to do the training.

So it doesn't mean don't dream, but it does mean that you should adjust your focus, adjust

your goals from the big lofty ambitious goal, kind of keep that in your head somewhere.

It's okay to have that.

Dream about that.

But then when you're training, you keep your goals tiny.

You keep them small.

And you really want to focus on the process of training rather than the ultimate endgame.

Now research shows that when we do that, when we're undergoing a really big complex change

that takes time, that only shows very tiny results in the short term, that we should

just focus on what we do right now and not that big lofty top-of-the-mountain goal.

So for separation anxiety training, what that means is you focus on having a good session today.

Every time you have a quality session where you get out of the door without your dog getting

upset and you come back without your dog getting upset, you've just helped change your dog's

association of being left, which is what we're all about with gradual exposure.

It might be a tiny change and most likely it's a tiny change that you can't see today.

But it's the sum of all those tiny changes that's what leads to that goal.

That's what gets you to the top of the mountain.

So this week when you're training, just think about, did I have a good session today?

Did I have a good session yesterday?

How am I going to make sure I have a good session tomorrow?

So think quality.

In some ways I wish, in lots of ways I wish, we didn't have a clock running when we were

doing separation anxiety training because it really makes us focus on time.

It makes us focus on six seconds or six minutes or six hours and it becomes an obsession.

Of course it does.

And the way I teach you to do the separation anxiety training is to focus on time because

time helps us judge how we did.

But it's not everything.

So if you think that six minutes is going to be too much for your dog today,

it's way better instead of pushing through and thinking that if I don't do six minutes

a day I'm never going to get to six hours.

It's way better just to say what time can my dog do today comfortably, without stress,

without taxing my dog so that I can get that successful session in.

So that's what happens when you focus on the process.

You just focus on today, maybe yesterday, maybe tomorrow, but really not much farther

ahead than that.

Focus on what you do, how well you do it.

Focus on the tiny, tiny steps that you need to make.

And it's all those tiny changes that ultimately lead up to you achieving that longer goal.

So my first tip, stop thinking about the ultimate goal.

Keep that in your mind.

Dream about it.

Dream big, but keep the training small.

My second tip, don't do the maths or don't do the math.

Depending on where you are, what does she mean by that?

It's all about numbers, isn't it?

Well, yes and no.

And this is kind of linked to the first goal.

So what we can do, what we often do, and I see it all the time with my clients in

Separation Anxiety Heroes, is we do do the maths.

Here's what I mean by that.

So let's say your goal is two hours and you've been training for two months.

Now, we know that with changing a brain, especially when it comes to changing an association

like fear, that early progress is really slow because we are fighting against a really powerful

response, which is fear.

We're trying to change your dog's response from fear to, oh, OK, neutral.

And that is a big shift.

That takes a lot of repetitions of you going out of the door.

Takes a lot of quality sessions.

The quality sessions I was talking about in tip number one.

And it takes you doing that over and over again.

When you first start out training, you will feel like you're not getting anywhere.

Very often you feel like you're just almost just flatlining, like your progress just looks

really flat.

And so you might get to the end of the two months and you could be at three minutes.

You're like, what?

Hang on, this training is not working.

Three minutes after two months.

And then you get your calculator out or you do it in your head or you get a spreadsheet

out and you go, OK, so if it's taking me two months, you get three minutes.

I'm going to be 80.

I'm going to be 80 by the time my dog gets this.

So you are not allowed to do the maths.

I say that to all my clients.

Don't do the maths because it doesn't work like that.

Yes, the progress at the start of your training will be very, very flat looking.

But that's not to say that there isn't a huge change going on in your dog's brain.

There is.

Your dog, every time you go out of the door, has had a brand new experience,

a fear-free experience of being left.

That's a huge change.

That's massive.

It's just that it takes a lot of those for your dog to start feeling overall comfortable.

Oh, wait a minute.

OK, so, yeah, she used to go out and it was scary.

But now it seems like when she goes out, it's absolutely fine.

Yeah, I've got this.

It takes a lot of repetition until your dog starts going, OK.

And as that learning cements, the more you go out the door, the more that learning does cement,

then the quicker, well, not quicker, let's not use the word quick,

then the more you'll see your progress start to tick up.

So expect a flat looking line at the start of your training.

And don't do the maths because it isn't like that.

When people work in my Separation Anxiety Heroes group,

we work with my Be Right Back training app.

And the Be Right Back training app has, one of the features, is showing people their progress line.

Once a week, we'll do a competition where we get people to share their progress,

just to say, you know, how are you doing?

No expectations, no big lofty goals, just how are you doing this week?

And I get people to share the screen of their progress line.

And it looks exactly how I've described to you.

Not a lot happening at the start, even though there is a lot happening in your dog's brain.

But it doesn't look like a lot is happening when we look at the chart,

even though progress is definitely being made.

But then we start to see that uptick.

So if you're guilty of doing the math or the maths, I want you to stop.

Do we have a deal on that?

OK.

Number three, you need to stop telling yourself that you're cheating.

Huh?

What do I mean by cheating?

Well, I don't mean that you're making up the numbers and putting them into your worksheet,

or if you're one of my clients, putting fake numbers into the app.

I don't mean that.

Because, like, why would you do that?

By cheating, what I mean is when people say,

uh, my dog seems to do better in the evenings after daycare.

But that's cheating, right?

If I only train then.

I know.

Why is that cheating?

You've just identified a context in which your dog does better.

You've just identified a context in which this training

seems to be easier for your dog than at other times.

Making something easier isn't cheating.

Making something easier is setting your dog up for success,

or setting any learner up for success.

There's a reason why when people learn to drive,

they don't learn to drive on the highway or motorway, right?

That would be ridiculous.

When people learn to drive, they often learn to drive

on quiet industrial estates at the weekend,

or very, very quiet back streets where there aren't huge junctions.

There aren't double lanes.

That's where people learn to drive, right?

And then the better you get, the more you progress to busier areas,

to busier roads, and then eventually you go onto a highway or motorway,

but you don't learn to drive there.

That's not cheating, right?

Oh, it's fine.

I can drive, you know.

Imagine a learner driver who's six months into training saying,

oh, it's cheating because I can do this, I can do all of this,

but I can only do it on a really quiet side street.

Well, imagine the driving instructor saying,

yeah, that is cheating.

That's totally cheating.

That's just a ridiculous conversation, isn't it?

That wouldn't happen.

That is just about learning progress.

The driving instructor is going to say, of course you're going to start there.

We will get to the busier roads.

We will get to faster moving traffic when you're ready.

And it's the same with dog training.

You know, we don't teach puppies to sit at the park.

That's not where we start, anyway.

We start in the living room.

We start in the kitchen.

We start when they are up for training.

We don't start when they're distracted,

when they want to run around squeaking their toy,

and we definitely don't teach them to sit the first time at the park.

We will get there.

So it's the same with separation anxiety training.

Don't ever say to yourself, this is cheating.

If you find a context where your dog finds being left easier,

finds the training easier, celebrate it, embrace it,

and make the most of it because it's not cheating.

It's learning.

If your dog can start this home alone training,

start the learning of being left in a context

that just sets them up for success way better,

then start there.

Don't fight against it and definitely don't accuse yourself

or your dog of cheating.

It's just sensible.

My fourth tip here.

Don't make training a job

and especially don't make it feel like a job that you hate.

I know you're driven.

You probably wouldn't be listening to this podcast

if you weren't driven and you weren't focused

on trying to get your dog over separation anxiety.

And when I think about the members

in my separation anxiety heroes group,

they are all driven.

Crazily so sometimes.

I think, wow, look at the energy.

Look at the commitment.

And that's great.

And we need that commitment and we need drive.

Of course we do because it's not like we are getting up

in the morning and saying, whoa, separation anxiety training

is the number one thing I want to do today

because I love it.

Oh, I love it.

I just love it.

Right?

No, who says that?

We say, oh, I love going for a long,

leisurely, off leash walk with my dog.

Or I love it when we go to the park

and he meets up with all these doggy friends.

Or I love taking her to agility.

It's so much fun.

Those are the sorts of things we say about our dog.

Those are the things we find fun.

But not honestly, hand on heart,

who is finding separation anxiety training fun?

It's not fun.

I know it's not.

And if you're listening to this

and you haven't started separation anxiety training,

I've probably put you completely off.

But please don't.

It's not necessarily the most fun thing you can do,

but it's definitely worth it.

However, that doesn't mean to say

you should make it into a huge chore.

Make it a job.

Make it your raison d'etre,

the one thing that drives your day.

Don't think you can just train and train and train

and train and train and not start to have that

take a toll on you in particular.

Dogs are quite resilient when it comes to learning.

Give them a break.

Give them a day off, 24 hours, enough time to sleep.

And that little brain of theirs

will click back into learning again

and they'll consolidate what they did learn.

But with us, there are way more emotions going on.

There's way more baggage.

And what can happen,

and I do see this way too often,

and it kind of prompted me to do this podcast actually,

is people who are so committed and so driven.

And I love them for that.

I love people who are that committed to this training.

But so committed that it does take over their life

and the training starts to feel like a job.

And well, for most of us,

when something starts to feel like a chore

or something we have to do at all costs,

like a job that we hate doing

but we have to go to because we have to pay the bills,

that's when we start to feel resentful.

That's when we start to put more pressure on ourselves as well

because we hate it so much.

We start saying things like,

I can't keep doing this.

I can't be doing this forever

because you're going back to number one.

You're looking at the top of the mountain

instead of just focusing on today.

You're also going back to number two

where you're doing the maths

and you're like, okay, I really hate this training

but let me see how long reasonably

am I going to need to keep doing it.

So you've broken, well, they were not rules

but you've gone against my first two tips

and you're now making it a job

because you hate it.

It's a chore.

You've just got to the point now

where it's just making you feel ugh

and that burnout is real.

The burnout will make you feel

like you hate doing this even more.

The burnout will make you feel irritable about it.

The burnout will make you feel tearful

and overwhelmed and depressed and anxious

and just so horribly taken over,

consumed by it

that what life are you left with?

All you've got going on with your dog

is this training that you hate

and you didn't get a dog to come into your life

to focus on this thing you hate doing with your dog.

So don't make it a job.

Okay, but how do you not make it a job?

Well, you can just take the pressure off by saying

I might have a goal of five times a week most weeks

but you know what, if I don't do that

I'm not going to do it.

Instead of saying train five times a week

which is I know it's probably my fault

because I encourage people to do that.

Instead of saying that, why not say

I'm just not feeling it this week

but you know what, I will try and train once, just once

and anything else is a bonus.

So when you're feeling like that

when you're feeling like it's taken over your life

you resent it, you hate it, you're feeling burnt out by it

instead of saying I'm going to keep training

and I'm going to keep training like crazy

go the other way and say

okay, all pressure off this week

I'm just going to train once

and if it's once for five minutes

that's all I'm going to do.

Your dog will be okay, your dog will keep learning

and you'll start to feel better about it

because instead of getting up on a Monday morning

and thinking where am I going to fit all this training in

I'm just resenting it, it's just taking its toll on me

you'll say do you know what

I can definitely do five minutes on Wednesday

yep I've got that

and then anything else on top of that is a bonus.

Okay my final tip is take a break

yeah I know, I know I encourage you all to train and train and train

because we know repetition counts

because we know to change a fear association

you have to have a lot of neutral associations

you have to do a lot of repetitions

but here I am saying take a break

wow okay Julie's just said I don't have to do this training

well yes and no

you want to do this training when you're feeling up for it

when you're feeling fresh

when you're feeling like you've got it

but if you're not feeling any of those

if the burnout is just so bad

then taking a break is the best thing you can do

that could be a weekend

it could be a week

it could be longer

wait a minute won't my dog lose all that learning

well we don't really know

we do know that it's easy for a brain when it's learning

to revert back to old learning

we do know that

and we do know that keeping new learning going

keeps it fresh and keeps it prominent

but we don't know exactly how much difference

taking a week off or taking two weeks off

will make to your dog's learning

and that learning doesn't go away by the way

it doesn't doesn't get lost

it just gets shadowed by the old learning

when we don't repeat the new learning

and it's not fully cemented yet

then definitely taking a break

there is a risk that the old learning comes back again

however there's a few things to unpack here

first of all if you're just hating the training

and it's making you miserable

then you do have to stop

because I've noticed that when we put pressure on ourselves

because we hate the training so much

we want to get through it

we just want to get to the end of it

that's when we start taking risks

we push too much

or we go the other way and we get way too conservative

because we're so worried about losing any progress we've made

that we get really stressed about any sign of anxiety

that sometimes isn't even there

because we just we cannot go back

we cannot go backwards

so taking a break can mean you come back at that

with a fresh perspective

and let's also unpack the fact that taking a break

because it doesn't mean that learning is gone

it just means that learning might get overshadowed a little bit by the old learning

well I've seen time and time and time and time again

with dogs with separation anxiety

once they get back into the learning it comes back

now some dogs can take a break

and it's like you've never taken a break

some dogs you take a break and yeah

it's like oh looks like he's completely forgotten

but the completely forgotten is just the old memories

being used more than the new memory

how do you come back from a break?

you just take easy easy steps

and you'll be surprised how when you start refreshing your dog's learning

you can start to see that come back

and honestly the potential risk of you taking a break

that your dog might look like he's forgotten even though he hasn't

compared to the potential risk of you continuing on when you're burnt out

it's a no-brainer take a break

and you can still you can take a break from training

but do what I call ad-hoc absences

what does that mean?

well it means you're a bit less formalized

you're not if you're in my group my separation anxiety heroes group

you're getting your app out every time you train

if you're not using my app from my separation anxiety heroes group

then you've probably got a worksheet or a notepad or something like that

you're you're focused

well you can also do a minute absence to take the rubbish rubbish or the garbage out if you want

right that's still an absence

it's not formal training but it's still an absence

and I do find that when we're burnt out with the training

the train five times a week

train with a plan that I always encourage you to do

but when you feel burnt out by that stopping that

but maybe just keeping going with some ad-hoc absences

can at least keep your dog in the game

and what that does is it makes you worry a bit less about taking a break

because I know some of you are just like I can't take a break

I can't take a break

but like I say when you feel so bad about the training

that it's overwhelming you and taking over your life

and you feel awful and miserable

then taking a break is what you need to do

but what about if you are so done

like you're just so done

like you're listening to this and thinking

yeah Julie even a break isn't going to cut it for me

I just need to walk away from this now

I'm hating it

I feel hopeless

it's not going to happen for me

well first of all just know that

so many people who've now got their dog over separation anxiety

have felt how you feel right now

and that it's normal and that it's natural

but also know that it's okay to feel like that

while still not entirely turning your back on separation anxiety training

because you can definitely definitely say I'm done

but still come back to it

I know that sounds kind of weird

what do I mean that sounds totally contradictory

but it's what I observe

and I think I've been there as well with other things with my dog's issues

is that we sometimes just need to say I am done

because we need that for our mental health

I am done I'm going to focus on something else

me and my dog are going to do fun stuff together

she loves doing scent work

so I'm going to spend my time doing scent work with her

rather than separation anxiety training

I am turning my back on this

we're going to just keep managing

we're already managing absences

I'm done

and that's okay

and you walk away

but guess what can happen

because you walked away

because you now feel like a weight has been lifted

you end up quite often having more energy to come back to it

so saying I'm stopping now

it doesn't have to be forever does it

do you see what I mean

so kind of a heavy podcast today

but you know I like to keep it real

you know that about me if you're listening to my podcast

I don't like to make it all hearts and flowers

and it's all positive

and it's all going to be amazing

because we're going to have hard times

and I want to be here for you when you have those hard times

so if you're feeling like you are just so over this and so burnt out

do have a listen

go back over some of these tips and think

okay which one of these can help me

how can I implement one of these

to help me feel that bit better about this thing

because the number one thing that's going to get your dog over separation anxiety

is you having the energy and the heart for keeping going

and that's what I want for you

all right thank you so much for listening today

I'll catch you on the next one

bye for now

thank you so much for listening to this episode of the

Be Right Back Separation Anxiety Podcast

if you want to find out more about how I can help you further

head over to julienasmith.com

meanwhile if you enjoyed listening today

I would love it if you would head over

to wherever you listen to your podcasts

and consider rating my show

thanks so much

good luck with that training

and bye for now