3 Strategies for Self-Compassion with Christal Allen-Harrahill

In this really special episode, I'm thrilled to be chatting to a very dear friend of mine,

Crystal Allen Harahill. Crystal has worked with people in my Separation Anxiety Heroes

Program and my SA Pro Trainer Program. She's a certified life coach. And for both of those

program members, she has worked through issues such as overwhelm, as priority management,

issues such as handling difficult situations, tension and stress in relationships. And as

a certified life coach, I just thought that right now, it would be a wonderful time to

chat to her about strategies for dealing with what many of us are going through right now,

which is kind of a headline being, it just doesn't feel right to worry about my own problems

with everything that's going on in Ukraine at this moment. If you have thought that,

said that, discussed that feeling with anyone or thought it to yourself in the last few

weeks, this episode is for you because Crystal is going to talk you through a framework that's

going to help you reframe that thinking, help you understand that your problems are still

your problems and they are still valid and it's still okay to be focused and doing something

about your own problems. And that doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make

you uncaring. So let's dive in and listen to Crystal's framework for helping us navigate

this really challenging time.

Hello and welcome to the Be Right Back Separation Anxiety podcast. Hi, I'm Julie Naismith, dog

trainer, author and full-on separation anxiety geek. I've helped thousands of dogs overcome

separation anxiety with my books, my online programs, my trainer certification and my

Separation Anxiety Training App. And this podcast is all about sharing my tips and tricks

to help you teach your dog how to be happy at home alone too.

Yes, so Crystal, it's so nice to chat to you. It's always great to chat to you.

Yes, but what a time, what a time we're all going through right now. And you know, you

and I were talking about this before this episode that I'm worried. I'm worried about

the people that I work with because for me, the headline is that I think they've got really

real, really present problems. But a lot of people are right now are using that phrase

of well, you know, my problems are nothing in comparison to what's going on in Ukraine.

And I'm worried about the impact on them and on their daily lives by them suppressing

that. So that's kind of what I wanted to chat to you about.

Yeah, you know, I think and Julie, I know we were talking about this before we, you

know, really started our show here. But your heart for wanting to do this is just so important

because I hear this also right in communities that I'm in, in my inner circles, that type

of thing where people feel like they don't have the right to worry about their troubles

and what's going on in their life. And I want to remind your listeners that we are all humans

and we are allowed to experience our human emotions. I think sometimes just even being

reminded of that is so important. And although we are, you know, witnessing a war real time

on our television screens and through our radios and through podcasts, right, it's really

important for us to remember that we are still living our lives and you don't have to feel

guilt, right, around that. And so that the fact that unfortunately that there are people

who are, you know, having a tough time right now, that does not mean that you're not allowed

to have a tough time. Yeah. And that's and just that whole some of the things you just

touched on there, the guilt, the shame. It's not right. I shouldn't be feeling like this.

You know, the reality of it is that this current war is very much in our homes. It's on the TVs,

it's on the radio, but the conflicts go on all the time. And so it's a very pressing conversation,

but it's also relevant to the fact that there is suffering all the time and there are always

people who are dealing with more than you and kind of, although we're talking about it now,

I think this episode is timeless. Oh yeah, I totally agree. And I wanted your listeners to

just have a few tips that they can easily remember, right, when they're having a moment where

something's going on in their life and they don't want to give it the proper time, right,

or the proper, you know, give themselves the proper self-care because they're thinking that

the Ukrainians have it worse right now. And it's a very simple thing to remember.

It's an ABC process. Oh, I love it. I love the process.

So the A is I want you to be aware and I'm going to talk more about it, but I'm going to tell you

the ABC. So A is for be aware. The B is for take a break. And then the C is for care, right,

for self-care. So when we're thinking about being aware, that is where it's helpful for you to tap

in and check in with yourself and see if you are resisting and avoiding allowing yourself to like

have emotions around what's going on in your personal life or what's going on in Ukraine

right now. So giving yourself again, like I said at the beginning of the call, giving yourself that

permission to tap in and just check in with yourself and see what it is that you're feeling.

Okay. And then the second thing is take breaks. I know I have the urge sometimes to turn on

the TV and get the updates from the news and, you know, from a visual news outlet. And I have

actually decided that I am going to listen to updates from a podcast instead. Right. Because

some of the images are heavy. Right. And so taking a break from being glued to the news,

you know, a TV screen, if you feel that it is consuming you and you're hooked on it, I want you

to be sensitive to that because we have to remember the news outlets, their job is to get our attention.

Right. And how do they get our attention is to have highly charged images as well as using highly

charged words. So these are things that although they're delivering updates to us, they're meant to

get our attention. And sometimes that can be in a way that takes our emotions one way or the other

based on what we start thinking about what we're seeing. Okay. So, yeah, don't be, don't, you know,

be afraid to take a break from the news. And then the third item for our C is care. Right.

First, let's take care of you. And whatever that looks like when you are dealing with your personal

struggles in your life and then also thinking about the war in Ukraine right now, how can we

just take a few minutes in the day to care for you? Maybe that's going for a walk with your dog.

Maybe it's meditation or prayer or going and just getting a cup of tea or cup of coffee. What is

that? Because you can't pour from an empty cup. So you can't worry about the Ukrainians. You can't

worry about your personal problems if you have nothing to pour from. Okay. So remember that we

have to take care of you first. And then you can also begin to look to your local community. Right.

So now that we've taken care of ourselves, maybe there's some Ukrainians in our neighborhood,

right, that maybe we can help or reach out to. And then we can think beyond our local community

and think about perhaps global efforts or organizations that we want to stay up to date

with or volunteer with or donate to that type of thing. But give yourself the permission to start

with you. Oh, Crystal, that framework's amazing. I love it. Yeah. And I put together some kind of

headlines from the things I've been hearing people say. And I think what would be really

useful is we could go through some of those and let's see if we can apply some of the ABC

principles. Yeah, let's do it. And concerns. Yeah. Wonderful. Let's try that. So I think you've sort

of touched on the first thing that I'm hearing a lot of. And it's, is it right? Is it okay? Is it

legitimate to worry about my troubles with all this going on? And then linked to that, people

I work with are very worried and get a lot of judgment from people in their lives. Like, you

know, just leave your dog. It's just a dog, you know, that kind of stuff. So I've got people saying,

is it, am I feeling still legitimate right now? Am I worried still legitimate? And actually, won't

people just think I'm really self-indulgent and self-absorbed? If I'm worrying about my dog and my

life, when is all this going on? So how can we, how can we apply the framework to that?

Yeah. Yeah. So I think first off, let's tap in with ourselves, right? Like take a breather. So

you, you, maybe you get a comment from someone, right? Either verbal or a text message. And they

say, you know, like, just leave your dog or why are you worried about it or whatever?

And I think it's important in that moment to take, just take a breath before you respond to that text.

Even before you respond verbally, take a moment to try to center yourself, right? And your answers

are within. I always want everyone to be reminded of that, that what we feel is right for us in our

gut and in our hearts. And we, we always know what is our true alignment and fair enough. Sometimes

the noise, right? From others, friends, family members can make us in a, get into a position

where we're questioning that. But I want you to know that they don't know your situation the way

that you do it. Right. So we can have some compassion for why they think they're trying

to help you. Right. Because they probably, right. It's probably someone who they care about you and

they think that maybe they're, they're helping you reduce stress by saying, well, don't worry about

it, you know, but you know, differently. And so I just say, don't forget that. So I would say,

just be aware, right. Take a break, right. And care for yourself. Yeah. Yep. And it's,

and it is, it is okay to, you, your problem hasn't disappeared. You're, you know, you care

for a sentient being, it happens to be a dog, but you're worried about its welfare. That's why you

don't go out. That's why you don't leave it just to panic. And that hasn't stopped. That's, that is

still there. And it's okay for you to be aware of that and acknowledge it because it is still there.

Yes, absolutely. Oh, that's so helpful. Again, you sort of touched on this, but let's unpack

it a bit more. And I think I'm certainly falling into both of these two. So when I hear people say

this, I think, oh yeah, this is me. I'm, I'm so worried about what's going on that sometimes I

can't focus. So even though I've got stuff myself, I'm just consumed. I'm just consumed

with it. I'm so worried about what's going on there. What could happen here? I can't focus

on what I need to do. Yeah. I think that it's really important again, to be aware when you

find yourself maybe getting to that point, right. Where, where you are maybe not getting things that

need to get done in your personal life or professional life or goals that you are trying

to achieve. Right. And so being aware that that's going on and then definitely taking a break and

allowing your emotions. So sometimes when we lose focus, sometimes it can be because there's an

emotion coming up for us. Right. And we are trying to resist that emotion. And instead,

I would like to offer you to allow that emotion to have space. So let's say, right. So let's say

you're feeling worried, right. You saw something or heard an update or, or something's going on,

you know, with your pup or whatever it is, and you're feeling worried. Sometimes it's helpful

to neutralize the situation. And a way that we can do that is we can use kind of like,

we create a saying or a statement. An example of this is like, right now I am worried about this

situation. And you'd fill in the blank, whatever the situation is. Right. And then I want you to

end it with, and that's okay. Right. I'm learning how to navigate this situation. And sometimes I

feel worried. And that's okay. If nothing has gone wrong, right, that you're feeling worried,

or you're feeling guilty, or whatever the emotion is, if you allow space for it, then it won't loop

as much. Because when we ignore our emotions, trust me, they just come back and they knock

even harder. Oh, that's so interesting. Because right now, you think that the thing that we

should be doing is ignoring our emotions, like, you know, who am I to worry about? Whatever,

who am I to worry about that, and therefore I'm not going to worry about it. In fact, what I'll

do instead, I'll go and watch some news. Because that that's what I need to do. Because and I said,

this is kind of linked, I feel like we're a lot of us are doing this, you know, I'm really worried

about what's going on. So therefore, I need to get more information about it. But then I feel

overwhelmed and burnt out. So then I switch off. But then I feel guilty, because people in Ukraine

can't switch off or Syria or wherever it is, they can't switch off, I can. So it's this loop of

guilt and obsession and worry that just seems to go on and on. Yes, yeah. And it's so interesting,

you know, the way that you just described it, you know, I just saw a visual pylon, because that

that's, that's what we're doing when that happens. And let me also say that when we do that, like you

so beautifully described that many of us find ourselves in that situation. It really is like,

you know, misappropriated worry. Okay, right. It's thinking that our worry is going to make

something better. Right, right. And I offer that you, you consider, you know, allowing yourself to

look at that differently, like you worrying you, you being mad at yourself and feeling guilty and

feeling shame for still living your life, right? And with the 50 50 of life, right? Like, you that

like you worrying isn't going to make anything better. It's not fixing anybody else's problem.

It's not fixing anyone else's problem. No, no, no, no. It's funny. I know, you know, we chat,

I'm chatting to so many people, as I know, we all are. And I do think a lot of us are caught in

that same loop. And then, yeah. And from a personal perspective, I've actually, I haven't

got the problems that many of my clients have with, you know, dog, they can't leave. And so

I feel even more privileged. And that's why I wanted to chat to you, because I'm thinking,

you know, I, as I said earlier, I don't want people to ignore where they are right now. I

don't need them. You know, that in the program that I work with owners and pet parents, I don't

need them to be obsessed with their training right now. And if that's not how they feel,

take a break from the separation anxiety training. That's okay. But I also don't want them to think

I shouldn't be doing this because it seems so trivial in the scheme of things. That's another

thing people are saying all the time, isn't it? In the scheme, in the scheme of things? Yeah.

Yeah, we're all seem to be saying that. Yeah. And so when we get hooked on the news,

you mentioned it earlier, we've got to take a break, right? That isn't helping anything.

Yeah, it really isn't. You know, I think everyone needs to find that balance that works for them,

right? Like, basically somewhere between sticking your head in the sand and overindulging,

right? We got to find that that medium that allows if you choose to, that it allows you to

stay informed. However, that it doesn't emotionally charge you right in a way that derails

you and gets you stuck and stagnant in, you know, moving forward and taking care of the things that

you need to in your life. And so I think we just have to really, like I said, like I mentioned,

you know, turning on the news and seeing images that you just can't unsee. And so I've decided to

listen to a podcast now for updates. So maybe consider how you want to get your updates in a

way that works for you and don't feel any kind of guilt around it. Yeah, it is okay. It's okay to

that break. Yeah. And that's caring for yourself. And that's important. This is so helpful. I just

know that people are going to really, really find benefit from this. Yeah. And so let's,

let's just run through that process again, just as a reminder, the key takeaways. So we've got the

be aware. I'm just, I'm just recounting it just to make sure that I've got this in my head.

And that's just that taking that moment, right? To just reflect and be aware of our own state.

Is that right? Have I got that right? Yes, you got it. Right. And the break is the, okay,

take a break from the worry, take a break from the stress we're piling on ourselves,

or take a break from the information or whatever break we need, I guess.

Yeah, it really is. Take a break to maybe sit with the emotion, right? That, that you've been

trying to avoid and, and maybe take a break from listening or watching the news as much as you are.

Yes. All of the above. Oh, and that's really interesting as well, because so taking a break,

right. So taking a break can actually be being with the emotion, not trying to run away from it,

not trying to get into some avoidance of it. Right, right, right. Okay. Okay. Yes, absolutely.

That's a good one. And then, and then some self-care. Yeah, you got it. You got it. And

remember that also in that self-care, you know, find your allies. And what I mean by that is

find, if you can, just one person who maybe you can reach out to when you have moments where you

are feeling whatever, right. You're feeling a certain way about maybe something that's going

on that's stressing you in your personal life or thinking about what's going on in the Ukraine

right now. You know, look, look for and know who your allies are just in case you need them.

Right. Okay. And that can be anyone can it, family members, friends.

Yes. Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. And you actually had some suggestions for an organization that

people can lean on or they can, they can look up if they want to go beyond their,

beyond their, I guess, their circle. Absolutely. Yeah. There's an organization called

Befrienders Worldwide. And so hence the name, obviously, no matter where you're listening to

this podcast from, if you go to their website and we'll have a link in the show notes, I'm sure.

Right. But it's help.befrienders.org and they'll be able to connect you with a counselor if you

just need someone to talk to. Yeah. You know, sometimes it is nice just to have a neutral party

just to listen. Yeah. And obviously that's not what you're trying to do here. If somebody really

thinks that their mental health is suffering either because of, you know, their problems with

their dog, and that can happen if you're isolated and shut off from the world, that can happen.

Or if the situation in Ukraine or wherever in the world is getting too much for you,

and you think that your mental health has been affected, we do really want you to reach out to

somebody. Yes. Absolutely. Don't deny yourself. Don't, don't bury that. It is okay to accept that,

you know, that might be going on. Yes, absolutely. There is nothing that you need

to be ashamed of. And when it comes to taking care of your mental health, I think it's an

honorable thing to take care of your mental health. So don't ever feel any shame around that.

We talk a lot, because with my, my trainers as well, it's a really, it can be a really

demanding profession because often we're dealing with people who are, you know, at a really low ebb

and they're drained, we get drained. And, and we talk about, you know, putting your oxygen mask on

first that, you know, if you don't have the oxygen, you can't be there to help everybody else.

And you, you, what was the phrase you use that was similar to that? You know, you can't pour

from an empty cup. Yes. Yes. Same thing. So you have to be, you have to be looking after yourself

before you can help anybody else. Absolutely. I have got like a, I've got the tingles. I've got

like a feeling about this because I feel better just talking through this with you. And I don't

think I'm, I'm having, you see, there you go. I don't think I'm having this bad at all.

But no, I am. I have been worried about people who are faced with their everyday struggles,

who have been in denial about that. And I just think this episode is just going to be

so amazingly helpful for them. Yes. I am so happy to be a part of this with you, Julie, because yeah,

this is a beautiful way to take care of your community. And I mean, I'm sure you have plenty

of listeners who aren't even directly in your community who are still going to really just

benefit from having someone talk about, right, like, like we're doing now, what's going on,

and just kind of knowing that, look, we understand. And, you know, you are being seen,

you are being heard. And just know that you're not alone. Oh, that's amazing. I always feel better

when I talk to you. I always feel uplifted when I talk to you. And I know that my listeners are

going to feel just the same. I so appreciate your time today. Oh, it's my honor. Thank you so much,

Crystal. You're so welcome, Julie. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to this episode

of the Be Right Back Separation Anxiety podcast. If you want to find out more about how I can help

you further, head over to Julie Naismith.com. Meanwhile, if you enjoyed listening today,

I would love it if you would head over to wherever you listen to your podcast and consider rating my

Thanks so much. Good luck with that training and bye for now.